What Kind of Man
by Keono
Summary: "Lying is wrong, un. I thought that if someone cares for another person enough, that the gender does not matter. I thought that most people had a conscious and that it would prevent them from doing things that aren't morally right, un?" "I am not the first man to have had an affair, Deidara and if you think that I am, then there is something wrong with your mind." Warnings inside
1. Heavy Tip

**A story idea that's been on my mind a lot. Finally found some time to hash it out. Enjoy!  
Warnings: Slight non-con, angst, character death, and dudes doin' it.**

A yell from outside is what woke Deidara up.

"Oi, watch where yer goin', ya fucker!"

It only took seconds for the man to realize that he had just been woken up from his dream because a man on the streets, probably a drunk, had almost been hit by a horse drawn buggy.

Deidara groaned and opened one eye to see that the sun had barely risen. He supposed he could get up now and get to work early, and maybe that would make his departure that evening faster as well. But he doubted that his boss would be that kind.

Mustering whatever will he had left, Deidara sat up, his mid-back length hair messier than a pile of hay strewn about for the cows. He looked through the sheen of gold and wondered if anyone saw their world like this. Perfect and golden. Deidara just scoffed and brushed his hair back with his hand. If anyone ever said they did, they were probably thrown in an asylum to rot.

He got out of bed and headed towards his mirror so he could brush his hair properly and get it out of his face. It took a few minutes, as he was taking his time, but Deidara was mostly preoccupied with the bruise on his collarbone, wondering if it would fade anytime soon. Not like it mattered, because he would be speckled with more of those bruises soon.

After his hair was tied back in a low ponytail, a section of it hanging over his left eye, he got dressed, but actively avoided any other mottled spots he found.

Deidara's breakfast was a steamed potato from the night before and a cup of tea, the tea leaves being reused for the third time. It was simple and it got him through the day until a small lunch of an apple with some goat cheese. After breakfast, he lit a cigarette and smoked it slowly to savor the flavor, ignoring his coughing towards the end of the last pull. As soon as he was finished, he pulled on his jacket, placed a hot on top of his head and grabbed his briefcase before heading out the door.

The morning wasn't too cold for a winter day, but Deidara knew it would probably snow that night. Not too many people were out at the moment, though he knew that the streets would be crowded soon with workers heading to their jobs at the factories.

As he walked to his own job, Deidara barely smelled the smoke that always filled the air from the huge chimneys that never seemed to stop spewing the smog. He was used to it and so was everyone else in the city. But Deidara was sure, that soon, everyone in America would be used to the smell of smoke.

Deidara reached his destination sooner than expected as the sun had just started to rise over the horizon. He nearly hopped up the steps to get into the factory, knowing that if he got energized now, that he would hopefully stay that way through most of the day. He stepped in and was immediately greeted by the clang of metal with some small echoes of children with the sound of their feet joining the tumult as well.

Almost all of the children were orphans, easy to find and they were willing to work for little to nothing pay, plus they were small enough to fit in tight crevices to fix the machines. The children who actually had families were doing it to help provide income. It was a dangerous and hard job, but they were willing to do it, and even if they weren't, a small beating was enough to put them in their place.

But that wasn't Deidara's job. He was just a small bookkeeper, meant to keep track of how much money was being made, where it went, what machines needed to be fixed and what it cost. There were times when he was in charge, but he didn't feel the need to start beating children to get the job done.

He was heading to his office when he heard his name being called.

"Hey, Deidara! Deidara!"

He turned around to see a small blond boy running towards him with a smile on his face. "Yes, Naruto, un?"

The boy almost couldn't contain his joy. "I heard that Sasuke may be coming here!"

Deidara merely raised a brow. Naruto had come from an orphanage and often spoke of his friend who was there with him, but that was before they had run away and been caught by some authorities. Naruto had gotten away and managed to find a job at this factory, claiming that if he made enough money then he could find Sasuke.

But now someone must have been toying with the boy, saying that he was coming to this specific factory for Naruto. The odds were, he has already been forced to work somewhere else, and most likely died from those conditions as children did here.

Deidara wasn't one to lie, but he just pat Naruto's dirty head and gave a soft smile, saying, "That's great news Naruto. Come get me when he's here, so I can meet him, un."

The boy laughed and nodded his head enthusiastically. Deidara didn't let him dwell on his mind any further. He got into his office and put his briefcase atop of the desk before opening it. He was about to take out yesterdays papers which had to be turned in when he heard a knock at his open door.

"Iwa, you were supposed to turn in those papers last night."

The blond man looked up to see his boss standing in the doorway, looking just as pissed as always. "They're due today, un," he corrected before walking to him and handing the papers over. The man's hand brushed against his own as he took them.

"Yes, but why bother with today when I could have had them yesterday. You know I hate waiting."

Deidara almost smirked. "A shame that your detest for waiting is really just a flaw of yours, Akasuna, and nothing productive, un."

"You sound as if you don't care for your job very much, Iwa."

"But will you really fire me, un?" Deidara headed back to his desk and sat down. "Come up with a better threat, Akasuna and maybe then I'll take you seriously."

His boss's expression didn't change from it's usual deadpan as he left, closing the door as he did so.

Deidara got to work.

–

The sun was just going down when there was a knock on Deidara's office door.

"Come in, un," Deidara said as he folded a hand-written note out of view.

"Hey, Blondie, the guys are wonderin' if you wanted for go out for a fuckin' drink tonight. Kisame's buying."

Deidara shook his head, feeling the hangover from two days ago enter his memory. "No, not tonight, I have plans, un. Maybe another time," he suggested, but Hidan just groaned.

"When was the last time you fucking let loose," Hidan groused.

"Two nights ago, un," Deidara answered with a sigh. "Besides, I need to get these numbers sorted out before Akasuna has my ass."

Hidan gave a disgruntled huff. "Why don't you just ignore the fucker. No matter what we do, he's not going to be happy."

"That's right, Yu, especially if you're the one doing the work. But I don't want your piss poor work ethic be rubbed off on any of the other workers so I suggest you leave Iwa alone and go get drunk on your miserable life."

Deidara had to purse his lips to hold back his grin. Hidan became flustered and turned around to see Akasuna standing behind him, a scowl darkening his young features.

"Sir, I–"

Akasuna tilted his head towards the exit. "Leave now before I get pissed off," he ordered and Hidan did just that but not before sending Deidara a glare, probably for not warning him that their boss was standing right behind him.

"That was a bit harsh, un," Deidara commented as he messed with his pen, the steel pen point never spilling a drop of ink.

"I was only speaking the truth. He is one of the shift watchers yet all I see him do is talk with the others and beat the younger workers." Akasuna gave a sigh and ran a hand through his messy hair. In the sunset, it looked brighter than normal, like a flame. "Those brats do not come cheap."

Deidara should know as he kept track of it all. "You beginning to sound like, Taki, un," he pointed out, mentioning his previous employer who owned nearly half of the factories in the city.

Akasuna sent him a small look. "Please, I'm nowhere near as avaricious as that miser." Akasuna only owned three factories in this city, but chose this specific factory as his base of operation. "Now are you going to get your paperwork turned in on time?"

"Yes, tomorrow morning, just as promised, un."

Akasuna gave a displeased hum as he left but Deidara didn't take it to heart. He didn't care for much, but those things he did care for were held close and something he wanted to keep from ruin.

Even as the sun set, he was still working by candle light, getting ahead because he knew that he wouldn't be working at home this night. He had other plans.

As soon as he was sure it was late enough, he took out the note from before and read it over before burning it with the candle, placing it in his ash tray where his previous cigarette butts lay. He watched it burn away, the words still ingrained in his mind as well as the promise they held.

Afterwards, Deidara blew out his candle and left his office, locking it up as well as the factory. The streets were not busy except for the drunkards in the streets and the prostitutes flaunting what they had to any willing participant who had the money.

Deidara wondered if he was any different from the latter.

His walk wasn't too long and soon he ended up at an Inn that didn't ask questions and kept their lips shut for a dollar. Deidara already knew the room number and headed to it, ignoring any sounds he heard from any other rooms as he passed by. He knocked on the door, and it was opened a moment later, allowing him inside.

Almost immediately he was pressed against the closed door, a mouth sucking on his neck as hands fumbled with his jacket, going for his shirt and pulling.

"I swear that if you rip the buttons off again, I'll– Agh! Don't bite, un!"

"Not like you've ever minded before."

"Yes, but I've just realized I'm not an expert sewer and that my pockets are almost always empty, not filled to the brim like yours probably are, un."

"If you're talking this much, I must not be doing a good job."

Deidara scoffed. "We've barely just started," he said into the man's messy hair.

"Then let's get started, Deidara."

This was his routine once a week, sometimes even more. After work, when the sun had set for more than three hours, he would go to an inn, usually a different one from before, and meet his lover there. Their relationship was automatically taboo, as they were both men, but that did not dissuade them.

They would still go to a random inn and delve in each other's bodies. Deidara would find himself covered in more bruises that he accepted in gusto. They would become naked and lay on the bed to admire each others bodies. Hands would roam and Deidara wouldn't be surprised to find oil covered fingers prod at his entrance. Only when there was pain would he pull away from kissing his lover's skin to gasp in the hot air, before kisses were applied to his face and neck.

Deidara turned his head to catch his lover's lips, but he pulled away before he could reach him before continuing to scissor his fingers inside of him. Deidara's toes curled at the sensation. It was in no time that the fingers were removed and he was flipped over onto his stomach. He automatically got onto his hands and knees and not a moment later he felt the blunt head of his lover's erection stab into him.

He entered him in one rough thrust and Deidara lost any air left in his lungs at that point, the pain strong enough to make him fall to his elbows, his forehead against the sheet. It was worth it, he told himself. All of this was worth it because soon the pain would turn into a mix of pleasure until all he could see was white.

His lover's thrusts were harsh as he set out a punishing rhythm, nails digging into Deidara's hips and the blond had to bite his bottom lip to keep back his cries. There was never a moment when he could actually let loose, when he could allow all of these noises to come out, but one day he wished he could. He wished that he could live with his lover and be with him all the time, but the wish was absurd and he never dared to speak it allowed. Though he could imagine it as he was taken roughly.

Sometimes he wished that they would make love and not just fuck; that he had an actual right to call this man his lover, but he didn't know what else to call him. He wished husband was an option, but it wasn't.

As Deidara was nearing completion, his lover pulled out from his body and Deidara keened at the loss, looking back at him with a small glare. But the man continued to act as he turned Deidara over again and spread his legs to thrust back in. Deidara threw his head back as the man hit that spot inside of him that made him let out quiet moans.

His lover chuckled and held his hips so he could thrust more fully. Deidara couldn't wrap his legs around him very well this way, and it made him feel so out of control, but this submission is what made him reach his zenith like no other thing ever could. He didn't even have to touch himself as he came across his chest, his lover chuckling as he soiled himself.

Deidara would be angry if he weren't in such a blissful state. He rocked his hips along with his lover's rhythm, encouraging him to finish as well.

"Come on, Danna, you're usually done by now, un," he taunted lazily and that earned him a rough thrust, making him wince and hiss.

"Really brat, because you finished rather quickly," his lover panted out as his thrusts sped up and Deidara gasped with him until he was finally filled with warmth.

They stayed like this for what felt like a century to Deidara and he also wished it would be that long. But soon, his lover pulled out from him and lay next to him, still panting and not touching. He wasn't very touchy after sex and Deidara had always wanted for that to change as well.

A minute passed and once Deidara's breathing had returned to normal, he got up, ignoring the feeling of semen running down his leg. It wasn't like the inn provided any tissues. He went to his pants and got out the small case that held his cigarettes and matches. He lit one quickly and inhaled the smoke, feeling his nerves that had been on edge since he arrived, finally relax.

He walked back to the bed and offered a puff to the man still resting on it, but he declined.

"Those things age you terribly," he muttered as he sat up to lean against the headboard. "They're death sticks." He always said that.

Deidara shrugged and pulled the blanket over his body as he was beginning to cool, due to lack of body heat. "Not like you're getting any younger, Sasori, un."

Sasori scoffed, no amusement on his face as he also got under the sheets. "Plus they suppress one's appetite and when you do that, you have no energy."

Deidara nearly mentioned that he almost always went without dinner. Instead, he scooted closer to his lover and puffed a plume of smoke at him. "You should be used to it with how many people smoke around you, Akasuna, un."

Sasori waved the smoke away and scowled at him. Deidara knew he hated being called that here, where they were supposed to be free from society. "Those old bastards will be dead sooner, then I can take their jobs."

Deidara smirked and inhaled deeply once more, but didn't blow any at his lover again. He still took the luxury of leaning against him as they rested, preparing for round two.

–

Deidara woke up in the dark to the sound of clothes ruffling. He didn't need to see to know that Sasori was getting dressed and leaving. The man never stayed the whole night and usually left for home around three in the morning. Sometimes, Deidara wished he knew where his lover lived but the man told him that it wouldn't be safe for them to know that about each other. He was right, because if Deidara had that information he would probably try to worm his way into Sasori's life further.

Deidara still sat up, feeling every ache in his body as he stretched. "Why not stay the night, un?" Deidara asked as he saw Sasori pulling up his pants and buckling up his belt.

"It's no longer night," Sasori replied easily. Deidara expected it because the man almost never deviated from his answers.

Deidara sighed and stood up, almost limping as he made his way over to his lover before throwing his arms around his shoulders and leaning his forehead against his own arm.

"Then how about a kiss, un?" He suggested.

Sasori kissed his shoulder, taking a moment to bite gently before pulling away.

Deidara just hummed and looked up at him. "And how about on lips?"

Sasori relaid the response he always gave. "Those are for marriage."

It nearly hurt every time he said it, but Deidara was used to it by now. He still leaned in and pecked his lover's lips even though the man didn't respond. They would never marry and Deidara wasn't entirely sure if Sasori was mocking him, or if he was so old-fashioned that he didn't believe in kisses before marriage. Even though they had done far worse.

After the less-than-passionate kiss, Deidara went back to bed for a few more hours of rest before he had to head home to change for work.

Sasori usually took care of the bill at the inn and Deidara wasn't one to complain. The only thing Deidara could really complain about was that he wished he could be with Sasori all the time with no fear or prejudice to follow. Another thing he wished for was that Sasori wished the same thing as him.

A week later, Deidara was brought into Sasori's office which was always immaculate and organized, nothing like his at this time of day when he was at his busiest.

"You wanted to see me, un?" He asked as Sasori looked back and forth between five papers laid out on his desk.

"Yes, I need you to run these down to these letters down to the post office right now, they have to reach the factory in Chicago as soon as possible." Sasori then held out a handful of envelopes and Deidara eyed them with distaste.

"I am not your mail courier, un," he replied evenly, having no intention of actually running Sasori's errands like his secretary.

"No, of course not, my courier would never talk back to me," Sasori replied as he finally looked up from his paperwork, staring at Deidara with those brown bedroom eyes that made a shiver run up the blond's spine.

A moment later, Deidara snatched the envelopes from Sasori's light grip. "I expect compensation for this, un," he said, his voice very even, a hidden meaning slinking around in his words.

Sasori almost smirked. "Of course, now get out, Iwa."

Deidara took his time as he walked across the city. It didn't snow the night before as he had expected, but little flurries began falling from the sky as he walked now. He hadn't seen snow in about three years but it still had him slightly breathless as he watched it.

He found it ironic that the only way it could "survive" was to land atop of the already fallen, and melting snow, clinging to each other until it was covered, sheet, after sheet. But at the moment, none of it stuck very well and it just melted as it touched the slightly damp ground. He liked watching them disappear, finding beauty in their fleeting existence.

It was around ten minutes later when Deidara saw a little girl in the street, perhaps at the age of five, admiring the snow as he was, but staring up at the sky in reverence, brown eyes wide. Deidara thought that she looked cute while doing so, even though he had no affinity for children, he did for people who knew well to admire things so transient.

Deidara looked away, no longer interested in the girl until he heard someone yell from nearby. He turned around to see that a horse-drawn carriage was headed towards the girl, who just now realized where she was standing.

Her rosy cheeks turned pale in fear and Deidara didn't even notice that he dropped the letters to get her out of the street, he just ran to her and pulled her towards him and continued running out of the way. His heart was beating so quickly, that he imagined the girl could hear it as well, but at the moment, all he heard was a woman screaming something.

"Hitomi!"

Deidara loosened his arms as he felt the child in them struggle to get free. She ran away from him and towards a woman who strongly resembled her down the street. She had long, chocolate curls and was dressed in a warm coat and a more extravagant dress than Deidara was used to seeing. She probably came from a wealthy family.

"Mama!" The girl cried as she was finally in her mother's arms and Deidara's heart seemed to finally calm down. He didn't have to see a child die, but that was when he realized he was no longer holding his letters.

Swearing quietly, Deidara turned and saw that they had landed in a puddle of melted snow and he ran across the street to see if any of them were salvageable. As he picked them up, he realized that only one wasn't completely soaked but it was still probably illegible with the ink probably running.

Sasori was going to kill him.

Frowning deeply, Deidara sighed and held the letters anyway. He would have to bring them back to his boss and be reprimanded there, because he doubted he could just throw them away and get away with it.

He was walking away when he heard someone yelling for him.

"Wait! Young man, excuse me!"

Deidara stopped and found the woman from before following him, this time with her daughter's hand firmly held in her grip.

"Yes, un?" he asked, not sure what the woman wanted with him.

She appeared out of breath, her face becoming slightly flushed though gratitude was written all over her face as she grinned widely at him. "Thank you so much for saving my daughter from that carriage. I had just turned around for a moment and she was gone and–" she stopped, as if thinking about it was too terrible. Deidara assumed for that mothers it was. "I do not know how I can repay you," she said, sounding so eager to help him when all Deidara wanted to do now was steel himself up for Sasori's admonishing.

"It really was no trouble, un," he explained softly, hoping that she wouldn't keep on badgering him. "I was just helping someone who was in need of it."

He began walking away when the woman grabbed his arm. "What's your name?"

Deidara didn't fight her grasp as he answered with, "Deidara, un."

"And your last name?"

His brow furrowed as she let him go. "Iwa." What would she do with the information?

She breathed in deeply, as if content and Deidara realized just how beautiful she was, long lashes brushing over his cheeks as she blinked slowly.

"It is a pleasure to meet you, Deidara Iwa. My name's Masako Akasuna and I cannot thank you enough for saving my daughter's life."

Deidara felt every hair on his body stand on edge, but he played it off as slightly surprise. "Akasuna, un? Are you perhaps related to Sasori Akasuna?"

The woman blushed lightly and a small, but bashful smile played on her thin, pink lips as she looked away for a moment. "Ah, he's my husband," she replied softly. "Do you know him?"

Deidara nodded his head as he tried to keep his expression neutral. "Of him, un... I'm sorry, but I need to get to work," he said quickly, not giving Masako a second to get another word in as he just walked past her, as quickly as he could so she wouldn't see his face.

His eyes were wide and distracted, while his face was extremely blanched and even though he tried to keep walking, he had to stop at an alleyway to get in a breather. He wanted a cigarette to calm down, but he felt too nauseated to do anything but breathe.

Husband? Sasori was married? He had a wife and a child? Was it recently, an arranged marriage? Was that why Masako appeared shy when talking about it? Why hadn't Sasori told him about this?

Why was Sasori even with him if he was married?

It was over an hour later when Deidara finally returned with the semi-dry letters. He knocked on his boss's door and heard the commanding "come in" but he wasn't fazed by it. He walked in and set the letters on the man's desk, still in his previous daze.

When Sasori saw the letters, he scowled. "What did you do to these? I asked you to turn them into the post office, not wash them, you incompetent brat," he growled as he took the letters and opened them, seeing if any of the writing was salvaged. By his expression, Deidara guessed none of it was. "Why do you even bother showing your face to me, when you know how terribly you have fucked up?"

Deidara didn't know how he was supposed to bring about the question, so he just began talking. "There was a girl in the street," he replied slowly, not looking at his lover's face. "She was admiring the snow, un."

"I don't care about some girl, I want to know why–"

"A carriage was coming and I was moving as quickly as I could to get her out of the way. I did," Deidara said, his voice slightly brighter. "But the letters were dropped in the process, un."

Sasori's scowl had turned into a glare. "I don't care for your excuses, Iwa."

"Her mother saw what I had done and thanked me profusely, un." Deidara looked up to see Sasori's expression was just as pissed as he thought it would be. "She wanted my name, so I gave it to her and in return she gave me hers. Do you know who Masako Akasuna is?"

Sasori's countenance didn't change in the slightest. "Yes, she's my wife, what does that have to do with how royally you've fucked up?"

Deidara's anger had come out of nowhere at that point. "Well then when were you going to tell me that you were fucking married, un?! You've been sleeping with me for the past two years and you never thought to fucking _mention_ that you had a wife and child?!"

Sasori was almost taken aback and he stood up, but Deidara wasn't sure if it was supposed to calm him or not. "What do they have to do with that?"

Deidara's eyes were wide as he realized that Sasori didn't find a problem in what they were doing. "You've been lying to me, Sasori, un. You've been _fucking me_ and you're a married man. Do you consider me your mistress, un? Someone you're able to sneak off to when your wife can no longer satisfy you?"

"Of course not," Sasori replied. "You're not even a woman, so the fact that you're calling yourself–"

"That's not the point, Sasori, un," Deidara interrupted, speaking with clenched teeth. "The point is, is that we've been having an affair, one that I was not even aware of and it's wrong, un."

Sasori's brow furrowed. "And being a man who sleeps with a man isn't wrong?"

" _Lying_ is wrong, un," Deidara replied instead. "I thought that if someone cares for another person enough that the gender does not matter. I thought that most people had a conscious and that it would prevent them from doing things that aren't morally right, un?"

Sasori scoffed and sat back down which just made Deidara's anger spike. He didn't care, did he?

"I am not the first man to have had an affair, Deidara and if you think that I am, then there is something wrong with your mind. Is there anything else you want, besides to apologize for the letters you've ruined?"

Deidara couldn't believe that Sasori didn't seem to care at all. He didn't hesitate to leave Sasori's office as quickly as possible, stopping by his office for just a moment to grab his briefcase, before heading home.

Didn't Sasori love his family? His marriage? Did he love Deidara?

Deidara had already guessed the answer to the last one, but the first two still seemed too unclear and the blond wasn't sure if he wanted to find out.

–

It was ten o'clock and Deidara was contemplating on whether or not he should still see his lover for their routine meet up. In the beginning, Deidara had told himself that there was no way in God's green earth that he would continue sleeping with a married man, no matter what feelings he had developed for him.

Yet, it was feelings like those that made Deidara doubt his first declaration of refusing to be with Sasori. It hadn't taken long for him to grow to love Sasori, even though his feelings were never fully returned, Deidara assumed it was because of society and prejudice. But now Deidara thought it was because he had a family and wife to love as well. But if he had that, then why was he fucking Deidara?

The blond had gotten home and not done a thing but sit at his kitchen table and think of what went through Sasori's mind to consider any of this okay. He didn't seem to think that sleeping with someone other than his wife was a morally wrong, but perhaps he did know and just didn't care?

Did he care for Deidara? If he had been with him for the past two years, he must have, the blond thought to himself.

But he had been with his wife for who knew how long? He _must_ have grown tired of her, Deidara was sure of it. And Sasori never declined sleeping with him, so Deidara still thought that he was held in a higher esteem than Masako.

This was why Deidara was contemplating on whether or not he should see Sasori, but without even thinking about it, he was heading out his front door, bracing himself against the cold and snow.

When he did arrive at the inn, he went to the room number where he knew he would find Sasori. He saw a light beneath the door and frowned. He had almost hoped he hadn't come, because now his lover would see him and know that he was just as weak as him, while he ignored his conscious.

Deidara knocked on the door and waited for it to be answered. It was a few seconds later when Sasori opened the door, his countenance more annoyed than anything.

"What the hell took you so long?"

Deidara scowled at him and stayed rooted in the hall. "I wanted to see if you really were scum and still decided to come. Now that I know that, I'm leaving, un." Yet, he made no move to leave.

Sasori deadpanned at him. "Really now? You wanted to see if I was 'scum', yet you stand here, just as filthy as I? Hypocrisy is a real thing, Deidara, I hope you know that."

"Tch," Deidara looked away, furious that Sasori was trying to make him look bad.

"Well, are you coming in, or not?" Sasori asked as he stepped aside, and even though he looked no friendlier as he had been when he opened the door, Deidara couldn't say no to him.

Even while Deidara was having his breath fucked out of him, he couldn't stop thinking. Why was Sasori doing this? Was it just for his own satisfaction or did he have some inkling of care for Deidara?

The blond didn't know and soon all he could think about was clinging to Sasori, as he took on a more punishing pace. When Sasori struck his prostate, Deidara accidentally let go of his bottom lip, letting free a moan, one so loud that his face became flushed at hearing himself.

Sasori just smirked down at him and continued to aim for that spot, and Deidara had to cover his mouth to prevent anymore sound from escaping, but Sasori just grabbed his wrist and held it to the bed, his grip hard enough to cut off circulation.

"Don't stop now, brat," Sasori said, his voice more controlling than normal and one thing that Deidara had learned about Sasori was that he loved control.

So Deidara listened to him and didn't hold back his moans, knowing he sounded like a whore, but that may be just what Sasori saw him as. The thought nearly brought tears to his eyes but he pushed it all down. It didn't matter what he thought now, because Sasori didn't care, or appear to do so.

They only had one round, Sasori claiming that it was too late to start another. Deidara expected him to leave right away, to spite him because he was heading back to his family, but he didn't and stayed in bed with Deidara.

As soon as the lights were out, Deidara curled up next to Sasori and the older male just groaned a bit before turning over and allowing Deidara to move closer.

"You're always so cuddly after sex," he complained, his voice sluggish and Deidara didn't get to hear the tone often.

Sasori's breathing had evened out a bit when Deidara asked him, "Do you care about me, Danna, un?"

Sasori's simple response was, "Don't ask stupid questions, brat." And he pulled him in close, just confusing Deidara further.

Was it a stupid question because it was obvious? That Sasori either did or did not?

Deidara frowned and closed his eyes as he let Sasori's warmth consume him. He wished that Sasori would tell him that he chose him, that he loved him. But Deidara wished many things that he knew would never come true.

 **Review?**


	2. Had a Sip

It was on Sunday when Deidara was out buying food for himself that someone came up to him and tapped him on his shoulder.

He turned around and froze when he saw who it was, but then again, who else would bother him?

"Hello, Deidara, it's good to see you," Masako said, her dark blue eyes bright, as Deidara's own eyes widened slightly before returning to normal.

"And you as well, un," he replied before turning back to the stall at the market, but the woman began talking once more.

"You know I mentioned you to my husband, and he said that you worked for him," Masako said and Deidara stopped himself from flinching. "Why didn't you tell me before, I would have invited you over for dinner."

Deidara composed himself and turned back to the woman, playing a small smile on his lips. "Oh, I didn't want to cause a fuss was all, un. I didn't mean anything by it," he assured, but it wasn't like he necessarily wanted the woman to know that he knew her husband _very_ intimately.

"Well there should be a fuss because you saved our daughter's life," the woman said, and Deidara didn't want to be reminded of that day, where he hit his lowest point of self-worth. "Would you like to come over for dinner tonight? It's no trouble at all setting up an extra plate and fork, I can assure you."

Deidara's smile went tense. "I'm sorry, but–"

"Masako, there you are. Hitomi hasn't stopped bothering me, asking for you."

Deidara's ears perked up at hearing Sasori's voice and so did Masako, her whole exterior becoming excited at seeing her husband and Deidara had an unusual reaction. His eyes narrowed, his lips went into a thin line and his fists clenched. He didn't realize that this was what jealously felt like.

Sasori walked up to them, with Hitomi running in front of him, clutching at Masako's legs once she reached her mother. "Mama," she cried out. "Papa an' me saw a puppy in the street, but he said I could'n' have it! But-but can I, please?" She asked, the last word drawn out and Deidara grimaced at the sound, just adding to his long list of why he should avoid children.

But this was Sasori's child. Deidara almost scoffed, because he knew that was not a reason to like a child.

But then Hitomi looked up at him, and Deidara tried to put on a pleased smile, but his mood for the day was already ruined. "Mama, that's the girly boy, right?"

"Hitomi!" Masako's face became ablaze as her eyes went wide and tried to prevent her daughter from speaking anymore. Deidara was having a hard time smiling and his eye had already started to twitch. "That is not a nice thing to say, dear, especially since Deidara is a man–"

"But you said–"

"Hitomi, listen to your mother," Sasori said and Deidara just remembered that he was there, and he didn't seem a bit bothered by the fact that his lover and wife were talking to each other. Sasori then turned his bedroom eyes towards Deidara and inclined his head. "Iwa," he said.

Deidara gulped and did so as well, "Akasuna, un."

Masako's embarrassment had seemed to be forgotten as she cleared her throat. "Sasori, I was telling Deidara that I thought he should come over for dinner tonight, because he saved Hitomi."

Deidara hated being reminded of the fact every time the woman spoke.

"I really couldn't, un," he said and Sasori nearly scowled at him, shocking Deidara. Didn't the man want no contact with him outside of work and their weekly meetings?

"Now, Iwa, there is no reason to turn down a perfectly good offer, especially for something so well deserved. We will expect to see you tonight at six, is that clear?"

Deidara had no idea why his lover was so eager to have him over for dinner, but he couldn't ponder it anymore, as Masako handed him a piece of paper, clearly giddy for tonight.

"This is our address," she said, voice filled with excitement. "We'll see you tonight."

Deidara nodded his head numbly as they all said their goodbyes and the blond watched his lover walk away with his family, holding his daughter's hand while his wife held his other.

It was with sick realization that Deidara knew he could never have something like that.

–

It was already dark when Deidara was heading over to Sasori's home and anxiety had swept him up long ago. He had no idea what his lover was trying to do by inviting him over for dinner, especially since Deidara wanted nothing to do with his family that was just a reminder of what they had was terribly wrong.

He wanted to ask Sasori why he was doing this, but he knew it couldn't be tonight because when Deidara had first confronted Sasori about them having an affair, he couldn't control his temper. Deidara wasn't sure what it would be like if they had witnesses this time.

Taking a deep breath of the frozen air, Deidara repressed a small cough, and pushed those thoughts from his mind so he could brace himself for having dinner with his lover's family. It would be the first time that he and Sasori would be eating together at a table.

Deidara arrived at his home thirty minutes later, and he didn't think the walk would take that long, but then again, he was in a much nicer part of the city, one with sprawling mansions and large beautiful buildings. Even in the dark, he could imagine more snow covering the roofs and trimmed gardens, and Deidara knew that it would be even more splendid. But he had no intentions of coming back a second time.

He entered one of the small gated communities and found Sasori's home soon enough, the paper with his address clenched in his frozen fingers. It wasn't necessarily a mansion, but it was still far larger than Deidara's own small hovel that he called a home.

He walked up the path and used the knocker to announce his presence. He steeled himself up for whoever would answer the door, but a maid answered it, a woman probably no older than Deidara himself.

She seemed to be expecting him, because she opened the door wider and offered to take his coat.

"Mr. and Mrs. Akasuna are in the drawing room having tea," she said as she hung it up, along with his hat. Deidara didn't miss the fact that she had eyed his articles of clothing and even his appearance before leading him to the drawing room. She didn't seem to care that he noticed her doing so.

Deidara was brought to the room, a fireplace roaring in one corner, warming the whole room. At the moment, Deidara just wanted to bring himself to the fire, but he wasn't sure if it was to warm up, or to toss himself into the burning embers. He wouldn't get to find out because Masako left her plush chair and came over to him, a grin plastered on her face.

"Thank you so much for coming," she said as she came over and took Deidara's chilled hands into her own. "We were afraid that you wouldn't make it."

"No, he was just late, like always," Sasori said from his chair, chin resting on his fist as he watched his daughter play with her doll house. Deidara noticed that he wouldn't even look at him while he insulted him and he almost gave a small disgusted look, but he held it back with a chuckle.

"Now that's not entirely true, un," he replied. "This is the first time I've been late to anything, Akasuna."

"It's actually the second," Sasori said as he finally slid his eyes to look at Deidara and whatever smile the blond had became taut. The man seemed to have no problem of talking about their meetings in front of his family.

"True, un," Deidara agreed, and Masako just giggled, apparently obvious to the tension between them, or just good enough at ignoring it.

"Let's head to dinner then," she said, now letting go of Deidara's hands and calling out to Hitomi.

"I don't want to eat," the girl complained and Sasori sighed deeply before standing up and heading over to his daughter.

"Hitomi, you know what happens to little girls who don't eat dinner, don't you?" The girl shrunk slightly, still staring up at her father.

"They don't grow up," she said quietly. "But I don't want to grow up," she muttered petulantly.

Sasori gave a smile, one that Deidara had never seen before and his heart clenched. "But your mother and I want to see you grow up big and strong, and if you don't we'll be sad. Do you want your mother and I to be sad?" The girl shook her head and Sasori extended his hand, helping the girl up. "Don't put up such a fuss next time."

"Okay, Papa," she muttered as she ran over to her mother who was smiling fondly at Sasori, who returned the look.

Deidara felt extremely out of place.

Masako and Hitomi left the room ahead of them as the girl began talking loudly about her toys, the hall echoing with her enthusiasm. Deidara and Sasori hung back but the former didn't feel up to any conversation, feeling everything but comfortable in this situation.

It was Sasori who spoke up. "Did you wear anything else when you came here?"

Deidara looked over at him, but the man didn't return the favor. Deidara looked ahead again. "My coat and hat, un."

"It's a wonder you didn't freeze out there," Sasori commented and Deidara's eyes narrowed.

"If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be having to walk all the way over here, Sasori, un." Why did the man even say anything in the first place? To piss Deidara off more than he already was.

"We could've sent a carriage out to you, but we thought you lived closer by."

Deidara hated that he said "we", like he was genuinely concerned about him along with his wife. "I live closer to the factory, un," Deidara replied. It wasn't like Sasori knew where he lived, just like Deidara didn't know where he had lived, until now.

They reached the dining room soon enough and all of the plates and silverware were already set, the maids and one butler waiting for them to sit down, but four were behind their chairs so they could have them seated. Deidara never had his chair pushed in for him, but then again, he had never had dinner with his lover and his family before.

A door opened from the side and Deidara assumed it was the kitchen with what smelled like heaven pouring out from the door. The first course of their dinner was set out in front of them and it was larger than what Deidara was used to. He wasn't even sure if his stomach had ever taken in this much food.

He sat across from Sasori who bowed his head and Deidara did the same as they said their prayers before eating. Deidara had about two bites before Masako began asking him questions.

"So how long have you worked for Sasori?" She asked before taking a sip of her white wine.

Deidara put his fork down and tried to make it as noiseless as possible. "Two years," he answered and Masako nodded her head, somehow pleased with the answer.

"What do you do, because my husband over here would barely give me an answer whenever I asked," she said, giving Sasori a mock glare before giggling. Sasori just took a drink of his own wine, this one red.

Deidara replied, "Bookkeeping. I just keep track of all the numbers, money, workers and such, un. It's a bore sometimes."

"But it would be nice if he got his work done on time," Sasori said and Deidara's eyes narrowed.

Masako gave another giggle. "Let me guess, he makes you turn it in a few days before it's actually due?" Deidara's expression must have been one of surprise because Masako just nodded her head in triumph. "My dear husband has an extreme dislike for waiting, but I'm sure you know that." She then turned her attention to Sasori, while Deidara was taking a sip of his wine. "Why don't you ease up on him, Sasori, you seem to be riding the poor boy to exhaustion."

Deidara choked on his wine and Masako looked over, eyes wide.

"Are you okay, dear?" She asked, a hand on his wrist, riding up the sleeve to reveal a bruise in the shape of a harsh grip.

Deidara managed to swallow the liquid and he nodded his head. "Yes, just fine," he wheezed, trying to regain his breath, not noticing Masako frowning at his wrist.

"What happened here?"

Deidara looked down and tried not to blench, but as swiftly as possible, he removed his hand from the table, having it rest in his lap. "Sometimes I monitor the factory and my hand got caught in a machine a few days ago, but luckily I was able to pull it away before any real damage could be done, un." The lie came to him so quickly, Deidara had no idea how he was able to do it.

Across from him, Sasori didn't seem a bit concerned about it.

Masako frowned and looked over at Sasori. "Dear, the work conditions aren't very safe are they?"

"It's a dangerous job, Masako, but we do everything to assure that no one gets injured."

Deidara thought, _Because brats don't come cheap._

Masako seemed convinced in his answers and dropped the subject. Sometimes Deidara wondered just how oblivious this woman was.

"You know, I never caught your age," Masako said to Deidara. "You seem incredibly young."

Deidara pursed his lips, still tasting the wine. "I'm twenty, un."

"And you were able to get such a good job so early in your life," Masako said in amazement. Deidara didn't know what was so great about working long days and dealing with dead children and asshole workers. "You seem very well off, Deidara," Masako said and her smile almost turned a bit mischievous. "Is there perhaps a young lady in your life, as well?"

Luckily Deidara wasn't eating or drinking anything, so all he had to do was clear his throat as he said, "No, not at the moment, un." But he couldn't stop his eyes from roaming towards Sasori who was also staring at him.

Masako frowned. "A shame, but I know some very nice young ladies who–"

"I'm sorry, but I'm not looking for a relationship at the moment, un," Deidara interjected with a small smile.

"Come now, what's wrong with courting a bit, Iwa?"

Deidara turned his bewildered eyes towards Sasori and cleared his throat once more. "I haven't the time, un," he supplied as his excuse. "Perhaps later on in my life, I will... find someone very dear to me, but the moment has yet to come, un." Deidara hadn't stopped staring at Sasori who seemed unfazed by his words.

The conversation was dropped and the second course came out, and even though Deidara barely had a few bites of the first, he didn't seem up for eating the second. The family before him had no problem, but they ate only half of their meal before setting it aside to be taken away.

"I wanted to ask you something," Masako said to Deidara and the blond nodded his head, wondering what was so important once more. "The day you saved Hitomi–" Deidara hated hearing that phrase. "What were you doing? That was our usual route that we walked but this was the first time I had ever seen you there."

Deidara repressed a frown at the memory. "I was taking some letters to be delivered to the post office, un."

"The letters you had ruined, yes?"

Deidara didn't flinch or glare at Sasori for the accusation. He just turned his stoic eyes to his lover and said, "Yes, those were the letters. I dropped them when I was getting your daughter out of the street, preventing her from being run down by horses, un."

Sasori hummed. "I'm sure you could've done both, Iwa."

"Now, Sasori," Masako scolded gently. "We should just be happy that he saved Hitomi, or else we would be without our daughter."

During the whole dinner, the little girl was oblivious to the conversations and was playing with one of her dolls out of sight, taking a bite of her food every few minutes. Deidara never remembered himself as a child, so ignorant to his surroundings, because if he was, then he would most likely be dead. And he had never in his life, rejected food.

"Yes, we're very happy that you did that, Deidara," Sasori said and it was the first time he had called him by his name in public. It made the blond feel emptier inside for some reason, like he didn't matter to Sasori as his lover anymore and he couldn't place why that was.

After the main course, there was dessert and Deidara couldn't remember the last time he had something sweet. It was a small lemon cake with blackberries and a vanilla frosting spread out on top. He saw that Sasori wasn't eating any and he knew it was because the man didn't like sweets. His daughter didn't seem to inherit that trait of his as she dug in, ignoring her doll for the time being.

Masako just took a bite and hummed. "I've always loved this recipe," she said to herself before looking at Deidara. "Well, go on, try some," she encouraged and Deidara complied, picking up the fork meant for dessert. He cut a small piece off and used his fork to bring it to his mouth.

It was tart and sweet all at once, and the frosting melted against his tongue, too rich for him to handle. All together, he thought it tasted bitter, but his mood may have something to do with that. But he was kind and smiled. "It's very good, un."

He refused to have a bite after that, claiming that he was too full.

After dinner, Masako said she had to get Hitomi to bed. "It's the one thing that I like to do with my daughter, and not let the maids take care of," she explained before her and her daughter headed upstairs.

Sasori then led Deidara back to the drawing room where he poured himself and the blond two glasses of scotch, handing one to Deidara before sitting down in his chair. He gestured for the blond to sit down as well.

Deidara didn't drink any yet, but Sasori had already taken a swig.

"Lovely home, you have, un," Deidara commented and Sasori hummed.

"Thank you, it was my parents'."

Deidara already knew that the man's parents had died, which meant that he had probably inherited it. "Your wife seems very kind."

"She's naive, but that's not necessarily a bad thing," Sasori said and Deidara swallowed heavily before downing all of his scotch in one go, feeling the effects almost instantly.

Sasori didn't make a comment on it.

"A-and your daughter is lovely. How o-old is she, un?" Deidara tried to not let his vision swim, but Sasori had already replaced his scotch and Deidara took a large sip.

"She'll be six in the Summer," Sasori replied, still working on his first glass.

"Masako is very beautiful but I c-can't guess her age." Deidara looked over at Sasori, already expecting an answer.

"Twenty-three," he replied.

So she had their daughter at just eighteen. Deidara wondered if Sasori just liked younger lovers which was why he chose him. The man was only thirty yet looked barely twenty-five, and Deidara wasn't afraid to admit that he was handsome, which made him wonder why he was chosen of all people.

Though Deidara wasn't drunk enough to start asking those questions, because all walls had ears and he was sure that many of the maids would love to start rumors and begin gossiping.

They didn't speak much after that and Masako had come down a half hour later, just as Deidara finished his fifth glass, and could barely see in front of him.

She just giggled. "It seems that you two have had some fun, and without me," she pouted. "We have a guest bedroom, if you'd like to stay the night."

And Deidara had to draw the line there. "I-I can't, un." His speech impediment seemed more of a hiccup but it was overlooked. He stood up, but he wobbled where he stood and Sasori got up to steady him. Deidara held onto his arms and loved the feeling of the warmth underneath his shirt.

"Well, we aren't letting you walk home like this," Sasori said before releasing a heavy sigh. "I'll get the carriage and take him home. Kakashi, get the horses ready."

Deidara didn't remember much after that, just the rocking of the carriage and leaning against Sasori who had an arm around him. Deidara moaned as the carriage shook some more and Sasori just cupped his neck, pulling him closer, perhaps to ease him.

Deidara never mentioned exactly where he lived, but the next thing he knew, he was on his bed with Sasori looming over him.

He felt a kiss being placed on his neck and Deidara's breath picked up lightly.

"You-you can't, Danna, un," he protested, trying to push Sasori away, but his hands refused to listen and instead pulled the man closer. "You h-have to go home," he drawled out, but Sasori shushed him.

"I told the carriage to wait," he said as he began to unbutton Deidara's shirt, before kissing him all over his chest, then moving to his pants. Deidara could barely breathe as Sasori took him into his mouth, sucking lightly, while twirling his tongue until he finally came with a small shout.

Deidara looked down to see Sasori spitting the come onto his fingers and stuffing them into his body. He automatically clenched and his mouth opened in a silent scream. He stared at Sasori with teary eyes, but the man kissed the corners of his eyes to catch the salty drops.

"It's okay, Deidara, just relax."

He listened to his lovers words and soon his pants were fully removed, his legs thrown over Sasori's hips as the man drove into him hard, like always. Deidara was too drunk to even hold back his cries but he held his wrist in front of his mouth to try to muffle the sound, biting his sleeve in hopes of preventing anymore sound.

Sasori's pace was brutal as always but for some reason the only thing that registered to Deidara was pleasure and the only thing he could hear was the ruffling of their clothes, the bed creaking, and his moans along with Sasori's pants, his breath becoming a fog in the air.

Deidara pulled Sasori to him by his shoulders as he felt himself getting close. His lover seemed to understand the message and moved a hand in between them to stroke him roughly, causing a sob to spill from Deidara's lips and into Sasori's ear.

It was in the next minute that Deidara finally came into Sasori's hand, and onto his shirt, open-mouthed as he gasped in the chilled air. Sasori continued to use his body, his face buried in the crook of his neck and Deidara almost thought he would get hard again with how much Sasori was abusing his prostate. But then Sasori went still and Deidara could feel himself being filled with his lover's seed, before Sasori pumped his hips a few more times to milk himself dry.

In his drunkenness, Deidara almost told him to pull out because he didn't want to get pregnant, but then he remembered that he wasn't Sasori's mistress, just his male lover.

A small kiss was placed on his cheek as Sasori finally pulled out and set Deidara's legs down onto the bed. He fixed his pants and frowned down at his shirt, before pulling a handkerchief from his pant pocket and wiping away Deidara's spunk. Deidara watched him and soon Sasori noticed the stare.

He sighed and pulled the blanket on top of Deidara before placing a kiss on his forehead.

"Goodnight, brat," he said and Deidara's eyes closed at that.

He knew what they were doing was wrong in every sense, but for some reason, he couldn't find himself stopping anytime soon, and Sasori seemed to be thinking the same thing as well.

–

It wasn't the sun on Deidara's face that caused him to wake up. He had actually awoken from his slumber because he had turned over and a jolt of pain in his lower back spasmed up his spine.

Deidara's eyes opened quickly, his pupils contracting as they were exposed to the sun, but he couldn't even concentrate on that pain because something else was overpowering him. He gasped softly as he got onto his stomach and palmed his lower back, but the pain seemed to be right below that. Frowning, Deidara touched his entrance and hissed at the stinging sensation. It was swollen and hurt like hell, but he also felt ruined inside.

As he rolled over to see the time on his clock, he tried to recall anything about the night before. All he remembered was having dinner with the Akasuna family and having a few drinks with Sasori, but after that, it all became a blur. The only thing Deidara could remember clearly was seeing a set of brown eyes above him.

Deidara sat up and not only winced at the pain, but also whined. He felt feverish and sick all at once and his only conclusion was that he was hungover and he must have had sex but he couldn't remember any of it. Did he tell Sasori to stop? Deidara knew that no amount of alcohol would make him want to have sex with him if it wasn't at an inn, just because of the risks of being caught. But something was starting to grow inside of Deidara. A form of contempt at being taken advantage of, feeling violated for having his consent being taken away. He didn't know that Sasori was capable of something so sick, but then again, the man didn't seem to have a moral compass.

Bracing himself, Deidara stood up and began walking to the bathroom, not ignorant to the sticky sensation on his thighs as he walked. He obtained a damp rag and began to clean himself of any semen left on him, plus anywhere he felt dirty. Deidara wanted to toss himself into a river to get rid of the feeling, but he knew that he wouldn't be able to do that anytime soon, not with how late he was.

He got dressed as quickly as possible, ignoring whatever pain he was in and headed to work, knowing that he would be facing Sasori's wrath, but Deidara had his own to hash out.

The usual clangs of the factory hurt Deidara's head like no other, but he had to ignore it, even the calls of Hidan, having his mind set straight on those stairs that would lead to Sasori's office. He entered the office without knocking, not necessarily startling his boss, but he looked almost aggravated at the sudden intrusion as he sat at his desk, doing more paperwork.

"Iwa, what are you doing–"

Deidara slammed the door shut, interrupting him, before marching up to Sasori's desk with a heavy glare on his face. "You bastard, un," he hissed. "You fucking," Deidara had to stop, now feeling all of his anger pour out. "Fucker!" He screamed. "You got me fucking drunk last night and raped me, un!" Deidara felt tears come to his eyes. "You pig-headed piece of shit!" A tear fell. "I trusted you ever since I met you, and all you've fucking done is lied and forced me to do shit I never wanted to do!"

Sasori at least seemed to be startled into some form of awareness as Deidara screamed at him, eyes wide, but the blond wasn't sure what was finally doing it.

"What the hell are you trying to do, un? What are you doing with me, when you have a wife? Why are you still with me, Sasori, un?" Deidara's screams became hoarse as he screamed his questions, but his voice was almost dead now. He was panting by the end of it, and he couldn't seem to catch his breath. He had asthma as a child, but it hadn't flared up this badly since then, but now he couldn't breathe at all.

Sasori must have noticed his problem, because he rushed over to him and grabbed his face with both of his hands. "Deidara, look at me," he commanded, but the younger male couldn't find himself focusing on anything but his lack of oxygen. "Look at me and breathe, all right? Watch me breathe and do the same." Deidara could barely see Sasori through his teary eyes, but he felt the man's breath on his face, showing that he was breathing and Deidara's gasps turned to pants as he tried to follow him.

As his breathing was finally slowing down and he was able to get air into his lungs, Sasori wrapped his arms around Deidara's head and shoulders, pulling him in close and rocking him back and forth. Deidara felt numb to it all, but soon, he started sinking into his lover and he hated himself for it. After a minute he couldn't hold back his sobs, now clutching at the back of Sasori's shirt.

The man let him cry and Deidara had no intentions of stopping.

It must have been twenty minutes later when Deidara finally stopped bawling, his eyes sore and now dry, just adding to the pain in his head. He hadn't even noticed that Sasori was sitting against the desk, so Deidara was more inclined to lean on him.

"Why are you with me if you're married, un?" Deidara asked out into the silence of the room, the only sound coming from outside, the machines roaring.

Sasori didn't answer for a few minutes and Deidara began to pull away from him, but his lover held him closer as he began to speak. "I've never been attracted to my wife the way a husband should be," Sasori said, his voice barely above a whisper. "I do think she's beautiful and kind, but that was never something that made me desire her. We've been engaged ever since we were children and I accepted it even though I felt no carnal yearning for her, nothing except for companionship."

Deidara felt Sasori take a deep breath.

"We got married out of social obligation and we had a daughter. With those things, people were less likely to see me as an anomaly and I could keep my desires hidden, out of sight." Sasori rested his chin on top of Deidara's head which was bowed, forehead against his shoulder. "I thought I could ignore my cravings until I met you. You were the only person to ever make me act and I was willing to break the sanctity of my marriage to be with you. You are worth the risk, Deidara."

The younger male couldn't say anything yet as his processed Sasori's words. "You say it's a craving, un," Deidara said slowly. "You make it sound so animal-like, as if no other thought has entered your mind. You say I'm worth the risk, Sasori, un." Deidara looked up with reddened eyes. "You mean sleeping with me is worth the risk, but do you love me, un? Is loving me worth the risk?"

Sasori's stoic countenance already told Deidara what he needed to know, but Sasori spoke anyway. "I'm unsure of what love it is your talking about. I love my daughter unconditionally, and I feel that I love the friendship I have with my wife, but when I see you, I do not think of love."

Deidara's eyes widened and he was sure that something inside of him was breaking.

"Whenever I see you, I feel as though I am unable to think at all," Sasori explained, his eyes half-lidded. "I have to stop myself from wanting to pull you towards me, to stop myself from kissing you. It is hard for me to reign in these desires and last night was an example of that." Sasori's hand moved from Deidara's head to his lower back, making the blond wince. "I have to refrain myself at every moment and when I finally get to have you, there is no holding back. I do not know if this is love, but if it is, then I find it more lethal than anything I have ever experienced."

Deidara was starting to feel numb from Sasori's words. From his words, it sounded as if Sasori lusted after him more than anything.

Giving himself another chance at having his heart broken, Deidara asked, "Do you care about me, un?"

Sasori frowned down at him. "I've already told you what an absurd question that is. I'm still here, I'm still holding you, making sure you remain calm and safe. I see you're hurt, and for some strange reason, that hurts me as well, especially since I am the one that did this to you and I can tell you now that I never want to do that again. So asking me if I care about you is one of the most idiotic things that I have ever heard spill from your mouth."

Deidara felt his brows pull down as he gave Sasori a narrowed look. "There is no medium when I am with you, Sasori, un. I either love you, or hate you," Deidara said evenly. "I'm hurt by you one moment and in the next, I'm being comforted in your arms. Why can't we ever just be happy, un?"

"I would love for us to just be 'happy', Deidara, but you and I both know that cannot happen. We all have our obligations and I feel that once those are complete, we can be ourselves."

Deidara scowled. "So do you want me to get married to a woman whom I feel nothing for and have a child just to please _society_ , un? I would never be able to do that," Deidara bit out. "And I know that if you met me before you married, you would feel the same thing, un." Deidara's mouth was pressed into a firm line. "I know that we can never have a normal relationship, because men who have relationships aren't normal, un. You have a family that you can love, and all I am able to love is you, but even that is not possible." Deidara's eyes turned soft at seeing Sasori's countenance fall. "If all I am able to get from you is a night at some random inn, I'll take it, but know that it will never be enough, Sasori, un."

Sasori's grip on him tightened and Deidara returned the punishing hold. "No, it never will be, Deidara."

 **Inspired Songs: What Kind of Man, Over the Love, and How Big How Blue How Beautiful by Florence + the Machine.**

 **There are going to be more parts to this (they are written), I just need to find the time to edit and organize them. Hope you enjoyed!**

 **Review?**


	3. Fire of Devotion

Deidara was almost sad to say that their relationship didn't change much after their painful conversation that day. Sasori never mentioned his family to Deidara, just as he did before, and Deidara kept himself from prying into Sasori's life any further. He realized that when he did that, he just hurt himself.

They would still have their usual meet up at a random inn, but by now, they have probably visited each reliable one in the city three times. Deidara couldn't even bother to complain or protest because where else were they going to have sex?

Sasori had never asked to visit Deidara at his home, but if he had, the younger male would refuse. That was probably the reason why he had never asked.

It was a month later, when Sasori was going over some numbers with Deidara that he said, "Masako wanted me to ask you if you wanted to attend a play with us."

Deidara refused to tense up at the sound of Masako's name. Instead, he asked, "Why does she want to see me even more, un? I'm sure that the your _debt_ has been repaid by now."

Sasori, who was standing beside Deidara, peering over his shoulder, merely sighed. "I'm unsure honestly. I think that she may just be lonely."

Deidara's brow furrowed and he almost suggested that Sasori should spend more time with his family than him, but he was too selfish to say that. He would always want, and crave Sasori.

"She has friends, doesn't she, un?"

"Plenty," Sasori said as he straightened up and looked at Deidara, the blond not giving him a glance. "But for some reason she seems dissatisfied with them and seems fond of you."

Deidara turned to Sasori. "If you were a normal husband, I'm sure you would threaten or kill me for drawing your wife's attention so, even though I've never asked for it, un."

"I know that she doesn't mean to seduce you," Sasori replied.

 _Because she is so incredibly infatuated with you_ , Deidara thought, but he had already gotten used to schooling his features when he thought of Masako and his own jealousy.

Deidara crossed his arms and leaned against his desk. "What does she wish to accomplish by having me accompany the two of you to different events and places?"

"I thought that by now she would tell me, but she doesn't seem to think that it's important."

"Well, important enough to get you to ask me, un," Deidara replied as he reached for his cigarette case for a quick smoke. He was getting stressed just from talking about this woman.

Sasori frowned as he saw him lighting up the death stick and Deidara had the courtesy to blow the smoke downwards and to the side so Sasori wouldn't be too bothered by it. It was Deidara's office in the first place, but Sasori was his boss first and foremost.

"Would you like to attend anyway?" Sasori asked, his nose scrunched up while his posture screamed that he was getting ready to leave. Deidara thought that he may have started smoking just to get rid of Sasori and his questions.

"Do I even have the right to decline, un?" Deidara asked, as he brushed his fringe away and tucked it behind his left ear so he could get a full view of Sasori's face. It seemed the man was more inclined to stare at him now that his whole face was uncovered.

"You can chose whatever you would like, Deidara," Sasori said and the blond's eyelids fluttered at hearing his name being spoken by his lover.

He let his cigarette hang in his lips and he looked back to his desk before sitting down. "I'll get back to you, un," he said quietly, the words mumbled around the death stick.

"An answer sooner would be more appreciated rather than later," Sasori said before he opened the door and left.

Deidara took the cigarette from his lips then and stubbed it out in his ash tray. He already had an idea as to why Sasori would ask for Masako. Even though Sasori never mentioned it, and rarely showed it to his own wife, he cared about her and Deidara knew that he wouldn't be one to deny her anything. Even his own lover's company.

–

Before Deidara even made a decision, Masako wanted to have tea with him on a Sunday afternoon. Deidara wished he could refuse, but he knew that Sasori would be upset that Masako was upset. Deidara dearly wished that Sasori could see how much he didn't want to do this. How much this hurt Deidara to see the reminder of Sasori's real life. At least when they were at some dirty inn, while Deidara was getting fucked, he could imagine some life where they could be together permanently. But Deidara knew that nothing was permanent.

"How is the business coming along?" Masako asked, her tone gentle and curious. They were both in the parlor room, Sasori absent as he had work to do.

Deidara wondered why she didn't just ask Sasori, as he actually owned the business, but she probably got vague answers from the man. "Just fine. We plan on getting three more machines to replace the ones that have begun to give us more trouble than they are worth, un," Deidara replied evenly.

Masako's eyes became bright. "I've always been fascinated by all the machines that the factories have. What wonders they can do, how much they can create. I know it's a rather silly dream, but when I was a girl, I had wanted to create something like that to make a person's life easier."

Deidara did think it was silly. A woman could never do something like that, not because he didn't think she could, but she would be shot down at every possible turn by every man there was. And it didn't seem that she wanted to do it for money, like many of those men, but to actually improve life itself.

Deidara didn't know that such a naive woman existed.

Masako almost looked sad afterwards, but she still smiled. "Though I cannot say that I hate my life the way it is. I think it's perfect, to be honest."

Deidara almost broke his teacup with his grip, but he smiled back pleasantly. She didn't know how much those words hurt him. "You have every right to love your life, Masako, un. Not many women are this fortunate."

The woman blushed gently and looked away, her eyelids slightly dropped, the light catching her dark eyelashes captivatingly. Deidara wished that he could think that she was repugnant.

"Why, thank you," she said, her voice having a chime to it. "Honestly, Deidara, I cannot believe that you do not have a wife of your own," she teased, her blue eyes lit up as she looked him straight in the eye. "You are so kind and not afraid to speak your mind. You're confident and many women find that desirable."

Deidara's laugh was more of an excuse to clear his throat, but he took a sip of his too creamy tea. Everything was too rich here at Sasori's home. "To be honest, this wouldn't be the best time for me to be looking for a wife, un. I still don't make enough to support a family of my own."

Masako almost frowned at that, but the woman rarely looked upset. "Is my husband not paying your wage?"

"Oh, no, he is, it's just that–"

"Money should never keep you from finding your true love, Deidara," Masako insisted and Deidara wanted to tell her that he did have someone that he loved, but he would never be able to say who.

"Perhaps, I feel that I am just not ready," Deidara replied, his voice bland as he tried to cover up his current depression.

Masako almost realized that something was amiss, but Hitomi came barging in at that moment with a frazzled maid following behind her.

"Miss Hitomi, please come back, your mother is very busy," the maid said and Deidara realized it was the one who gave him a nasty look before.

"No!" The little girl whined as she buried her face in her mother's skirts. "Mama, I don't wanna learn how to read!"

Masako laughed gently and Deidara's stare became detached as Masako began encouraging Hitomi as Sasori had before. He felt numb at seeing the family actually be a family. Not even he received that as a child. Well, he never had a family to call his own in the first place.

Soon, Masako convinced Hitomi to go back with the maid and the tutor, and the little girl almost seemed eager to learn, wanting to please her parents.

"She is one of the greatest gifts I have received," Masako said fondly as she watched her daughter leave.

"She knows beauty when she sees it, un," Deidara commented offhandedly and Masako looked at Deidara, confusion painting her face. Deidara elaborated. "When I first saw her, she was admiring the snow and didn't even realize that she was in the street, un. Have you shown her any arts?"

Masako seemed pleased that Deidara was opening up some but she shook her head. "Sasori thinks it's important that she gets a proper education before getting to any arts. But he does plan on showing her how to make puppets when she gets older."

Deidara felt his curiosity pique. "Puppets, un?"

Masako nodded cheerfully. "Oh, yes, Sasori loves to make puppets, ever since he was a child. It's been a great hobby for him and he often spends his spare time making them, though work always comes first."

Deidara nodded, feeling himself tense up all over again. This was not a fact that he knew about Sasori. Sometimes, he wondered if he knew anything about the man he loved, and comprehending that he almost had no idea why he fell in love with him the first place. But it wasn't like he could stop loving him. Even Deidara knew that was impossible.

After that, they continued to talk about nothing and everything. And soon, their conversation led up to Masako mentioning the play. Deidara was already too tired to refuse.

Sasori came back an hour later to see Deidara off and the man felt so numb. Sasori didn't seem to realize how debilitating and how agonizing it was for him to interact with his lover's wife. Deidara just wanted to fall into Sasori, embrace him, and wish it was only them, but it wasn't. Deidara wasn't the main focus of Sasori's life, and he knew that he never would be, but he was too far gone to do anything about it. He was too far gone to leave Sasori's side, and he would always be hungry for whatever affection the man would be willing to give him.

He was too far gone to live his life without Sasori.

–

It was two nights later when Deidara was smoking once more after a rough round of sex that Sasori spoke about his addiction. "You have asthma, don't you? Why do you smoke?" Sasori inquired as he lay on his side, covered by the sheet while Deidara took a liking to leaning against the headboard, smoking silently. They weren't touching.

"I've never mentioned that I've had asthma, un," he breathed, eyes ahead and half-lidded.

"Yes, but I know what an asthma attack looks like," Sasori replied. "You're ruining your already piss poor lungs with your addiction. Why do you smoke so much anyway?"

Deidara ignored Sasori's inquiring insults, and instead countered with his own question. "You don't have asthma, so why do you know what an attack looks like, un?" For all Deidara knew, Sasori did have asthma. Lately, he had been finding out all sorts of things about his lover.

"Hitomi has mild asthma," Sasori replied monotonously. "I know how to help her out of an attack when medicine doesn't get to her quickly enough and I had an idea that it would work for you as well."

Deidara was almost angry that he was being compared to the man's daughter, so he answered the other questions instead. "I didn't have many positive influences growing up, and to relieve some of my stress, someone introduced smoking to me, un."

"Your parents never cared if you did or not?"

Deidara scowled, and looked down at Sasori, because this was the first time that the man was asking about his life. It pissed him off to no extent that it was happening now. "I had no parents, I was left on the doorstep of some family that only kept me so I could make some income for them, un. If you really want to know, they sent me off to boarding school so I could learn accounting but they stopped funding me and disowned me when they realized I preferred men over women. I was fourteen and barely managed to stay alive before I started working at a factory, and that got me enough money to get some more schooling. It was all very stressful and sometimes the only things I had to distract me from my shit life was either whiskey or cigarettes, but you can guess which one was cheaper, un."

"I'm sorry to hear about that," Sasori said and Deidara couldn't look at him anymore. What did Sasori know about his life? Nothing. All he knew about him was that he liked to fuck men and he was in love with him. Deidara's death stick tasted more bitter than usual and he scoffed before stubbing it out on the headboard.

"Would you rather I didn't smoke, un?" Deidara asked sarcastically, because his lover wouldn't drop it.

Sasori sat up and leaned towards Deidara to kiss his shoulder. "I would rather you were healthy so you could live a long life."

Deidara still refused to look at him. "Live a long life by myself, un? I don't think even I could do that, Sasori," Deidara replied softly and he felt Sasori's arm snake around his hip.

"You won't be alone," the man protested as he lay Deidara down and the blond couldn't do anything to protest, but his eyes were now on the ceiling. "You'll have me," Sasori said as he kissed down his chest and Deidara could feel his poor lungs almost hitching, though he didn't know if it was from hope or from sadness.

As Sasori continued to worship every part of him besides his lips, Deidara knew which one it was.

–

A carriage was picking Deidara up on the chilled Friday evening. December was a frightening time, really.

It was usually on these days that Deidara would go to an inn with Sasori, but it was replaced with the event of a play. He honestly didn't even know which one it was, but he was dreading having to talk to Masako and Sasori, the latter who acted as if nothing were wrong.

Deidara wasn't sure how much more he could take.

As he waited outside his door, he gave a muffled cough into his scarf, and tried not to breathe in the chilled air, or else his chest would start to ache. He was getting more frequent pains during the winter time than he would like to admit to.

A few minutes later, the carriage finally came and Deidara numbed himself up for the meeting. The driver who opened the door for him sent him a look with his one eye, a curious look as if he knew, but Deidara didn't care if he did. He almost didn't even care if Masako found out, because then he may get the woman to hate him the way she should.

But she held no animosity for him as she greeted him cheerfully once he entered. Deidara remembered curling up to Sasori in this carriage.

"It's a pleasure that you're joining us tonight," Masako said as she leaned her head against Sasori's shoulder, her arm looped around his elbow.

Deidara sat across from them, and he merely nodded. "It's nice to have some variation in one's life, un," he said.

Masako nodded and began talking about her week since they had last seen each other, and Sasori didn't seem to be interested as he was probably there for all of it. Deidara made the right comments at appropriate times and stayed engaged until they finally arrived at the theater.

They found their seats and Masako sat next to her husband, with Deidara on her other side. The man almost wanted to sit next to his lover so he had an idea of what it would be like to go to places like these with him, pushing Masako out of the picture so he could have his fantasy.

But it didn't happen. Instead they watched the play which had three interludes, and such a boring plot that it almost made Deidara fall asleep. But it was in the dark that Deidara could look over Masako's head to look at Sasori's profile and admire his young face.

At one point, Sasori noticed and looked back at Deidara with what was almost fond eyes. It made Deidara's chest ache and he knew it wasn't from any cold air. But then Masako looked up at Sasori to her right and Deidara watched as Sasori's whole attention was directed towards his wife as she spoke to him in a hushed tone. Deidara didn't steal anymore looks of Sasori in the dark after that.

Once the play was finished, they went to a restaurant, one that even his adopted family wouldn't have been able to afford. It was another large meal, this one five courses, but the portions were small enough for Deidara to have a few bites of each dish. When Masako was talking about what one of her maids had said about one thing or another, Deidara had the strong urge to cough, but he covered it up with a laugh as Masako did so, though Sasori eyed him in curiosity. Did he notice?

Sasori didn't say anything to mention that he did, and for that, Deidara was thankful because the last thing he needed was for Masako to be concerned for his well-being.

As dinner progressed, Deidara couldn't stop staring at Sasori's left hand, noticing that he was wearing a golden wedding band on his second to last finger. He had never seen the man wear it before, but sometimes in the business, he would have to remove it to work on things. If Deidara had saw it when they first met, he may have not fallen so easily to Sasori's pursuits. He ignored his lover's ring after that thought and continued to eat.

After dessert came out and was finished, they had another glass of wine, but Deidara made sure to watch how much he ingested. He didn't trust himself to get drunk again, or he should say around Sasori, but he didn't want to think that his lover was terrible enough to rape him again. The man didn't seem to mind continuing their affair, so Deidara was still unsure of his morals.

It was nearing midnight when they were finally heading back to Deidara's pathetic home, Masako thanking Deidara once more for joining her and her husband.

"It's been a pleasure again, Deidara," Masako said and Deidara repeated the sentiment before saying his goodbyes to Sasori and Masako.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Akasuna, un," Deidara said before stepping out of the carriage, Kakashi, the driver he found out, closing the door behind him. Only when Deidara entered his home did he allow himself to let out large hacking coughs, not ignorant that they were wet and heavy with a metallic taste. He hadn't had a fit like this in months, but it seemed that the weather was finally catching up with him.

After washing the blood from his mouth, Deidara lit up the wood stove in his room and changed into his sleeping clothes. He didn't have much alcohol, but he had something strong enough that just a glass of it would keep him falsely warm through the night.

As he got into bed, feeling buzzed and warm, he curled up and imagined what it would be like to wake in the morning with someone holding him.

–

Only when Sasori wasn't around would Deidara take a chance to light a cigarette. The man sincerely wanted him to quit, but Deidara didn't think he would be able to. If he really had to, then he knew that he would pick up another addiction, and it would probably be worse than his current one. But he had cut down to just one stick a day.

It was a few months later when Sasori had told him that they couldn't meet up at all for two weeks due to business out of the state and Deidara was thrown into a cloud of depression. It was even during this time that Masako had wanted to spend some more time with him, claiming that she was lonely now that Sasori had left, but Deidara didn't want to share his morose life with anyone else.

He knew that Sasori had his obligations, but it made Deidara feel that more insignificant. Sasori had told him that he did care about him, that what he felt for him, he now considered love, but Deidara didn't feel it. As the days passed he was feeling more and more numb and some days it took all of his strength to not find a gun and blow his head off.

When Sasori's absence had passed and they finally had a night to themselves, Deidara just held onto Sasori in the middle of the room. For five minutes, all he did was hold him and breathe in his musky scent of wood and cologne. Sasori seemed to sense Deidara's unease and embraced him, rocking back and forth gently as he rubbed his back.

It was then that Deidara suggested something of Sasori, and it was actually the first thing that he had ever asked of the man, besides his love.

"I cannot keep on seeing Masako, Danna, un. I can't," he whispered into his shoulder and Sasori continued to rub his back.

"Why not?"

Deidara almost pulled away, but he couldn't part from Sasori after their separation. "When I see her, all I get is a constant reminder of why you cannot be fully mine. She tells me about you, and your family and she makes me realize that I really know nothing about you. She makes me feel like dirt compared to her." Deidara almost began crying. "I don't know why you insist on having me spend time with her, but whenever I do, I just want to kill myself, I become so numb inside, un."

His breathing picked up and Sasori pushed him away gently, so he could cup his face, brushing his hair out of the way so got a clear look of him so he would be reassured as he spoke. "I don't want you to be in pain, Deidara. If you really cannot face her, then I will not have the two of you meet again, alright? Just don't say that you'll kill yourself, because that is something that I cannot handle either."

Deidara almost wanted to scream at him that he was the reason that he was feeling like this inside, but at least Sasori was letting him know that he wouldn't have to keep on seeing Masako. That lifted such a great weight off of Deidara, that he began breathing a little easier.

Afterwards, they fell on the bed and Deidara was glad to be with Sasori once more, not even caring if he was in pain, because it was intentional pain that would turn into pleasure. It meant that Sasori loved him. It meant that Deidara found a reason to keep on living.

–

It was a month and Deidara hadn't heard a thing from Masako, as Sasori never mentioned her or his family. With that, Deidara was able to imagine that it was just the two of them again. He was able to imagine a better life that would never happen, but he was willing to take lies.

The snow had finally cleared and spring was coming around, making Deidara more hopeful as the sun came around more often. It was also easier on his lungs, that along with the fact that he had cut down even more on smoking, but he hadn't stopped completely yet.

But it was on nights when Deidara was alone, that he wondered when he became so pathetic. Before he knew about Sasori's real life, he was content on loving the man silently, knowing that it would never come true and being fine with it. But it was different now. The truth revealed that Deidara really had no grasp on Sasori and that he could lose him just as easily as he had falsely gained him.

And seeing Sasori's life made Deidara realize that his own wasn't worth half as much as his, even though Deidara didn't desire what Sasori had, it just made him realize that no one would miss him if he were gone. Sasori told him his sentiments on wanting him unharmed, but whenever Deidara saw him, his chest always ached, and by now he had distinguished it as despair.

Despair that the man had used him for years, and would probably forget about him once he left his life.

But Deidara didn't want to die just yet. He thought himself a fool, but he still wanted to live a little longer to be with Sasori just a little while longer, even if it meant that all he would get was a short-lived night with him.

It never would be enough.

But on nights when they weren't meeting one another, Deidara would take Hidan up on his offers of going to a pub around the street and drinking his sorrows away. He would laugh and jeer along with the other men at work, and those who've come to also forget life, but when he got home, he stumbled into his bed and did his best not to cry himself to sleep.

During the day, he was fine, even throughout the night when he was with others, but only when he was alone did he want to end it all. It hadn't come to that yet, though.

To keep himself from that point, he requested to spend more time with Sasori. They were now meeting each other three nights a week, and Sasori didn't seem to have a complaint.

Only when Sasori was resting, did Deidara curl up to him, resting his head on his chest to listen to his strong heartbeat, still nearly erratic after their "love making."

Deidara then took his chance to ask the question that had been burning in his mind. "Would you like to go somewhere together, un?"

That seemed to shock Sasori, but not enough to change his stoic face or passive tone. "What brought this on?"

Deidara knew that they had agreed on staying out of each other's lives and only spend time together at night, but Deidara craved more of Sasori, not his life.

He contemplated his next words carefully. "The workload is easing down a bit, and I thought we could take a break, somewhere away from the city, un."

Sasori sat up lightly so he could look down at Deidara, but the blond sat up as well so he didn't look weak on his proposal. "You've never suggested doing so before. Why now?"

Deidara's scowl was light. "What does it matter, I'm asking now, aren't I, un?"

His lover's face lit up just barely in the candle light, eyelids opened just a hair more as the corners of his lips barely turned up. He put a hand on Deidara's head and the man was about to pull away hastily, but Sasori continued to run his hand down towards his neck, fingers interlacing with his flat hair. "I may be able to arrange something if that's what you would like."

Deidara's eyes went wide and he had to stop himself from throwing himself onto Sasori. He had truly thought that he would be denied, that Sasori would say that there was no reason for them to do that when they had this. For the first time in months, Deidara felt his chest fill with warmth, and hope.

But that should have been the first sign that something would go terribly wrong later on.

–

They decided on a date for the trip to be in two weeks. Sasori told him that he owned a small home in the country that was managed once a month, and that they wouldn't be disturbed there. Sasori would pick him up with one of the smaller carriages he owned on a Friday evening and they would arrive at the home in three hours time and stay there until they had to leave Sunday night.

To Deidara, it sounded like heaven to have Sasori with him for more than a few hours during the night. He would know what it would be like to fall asleep in someone's arms and wake up to them in the morning. He would know what it would be like to _live_ with his lover, even though it was only for two days, Deidara couldn't be more excited.

But with excitement, came stress as well.

He had asked the day before in Sasori's office, what the man was planning on telling his wife.

Sasori didn't seem bothered by it. "It's not the first time that I've had to leave for a few days with no questions asked. I do so a few times a week anyway."

Deidara's eyes narrowed as he leaned against Sasori's desk. "What other things do you do that require you to leave for more than a day, un?"

Sasori shrugged, unconcerned with Deidara's inquiry. "It's mostly business, but other times, I have had to leave to take care of family. I have cousins who've needed my help before and sometimes it's a hassle to bring along Masako and Hitomi when they're content with staying home most of the time."

Deidara almost frowned, but he wouldn't start to pity his lover's family when they got Sasori anytime they wanted, when they were always apart of his life.

"Do they ever miss you, un?"

"Sometimes," Sasori replied, though he added a shrug afterwards. "They both have enough distractions to keep themselves occupied while I'm gone."

Deidara only wished for those distractions when Sasori wasn't with him.

Once work was done and they headed their separate ways, Deidara prepared for the trip, packing his small traveling case with spare clothes and some money. He honestly wasn't sure what to bring, but he had nothing of importance to bring with him, so he waited for Sasori, smoking while doing so.

This weekend was supposed to be without stress, so Deidara wasn't going to bring his addiction, but he still needed a last one to calm his nerves. He still hadn't eaten dinner, but he was too agitated to do so. He didn't even think he could hold down a cup of tea.

It was around ten o'clock when there was a knock on Deidara's door. He tried not to jump from his skin, and he headed to the door at a reasonable pace. He opened it to find Sasori there, wearing a warm-looking jacket with a bowery hat on top of his head. It looked to be in better condition than Deidara's bowler hat.

"Shall we get going?" Sasori inquired, already turning back to the carriage, one that Deidara recognized as Circular Front Coupé. Deidara grabbed his small case, and closed the door, locking it, before heading to Sasori as well. The man opened the door for him, so he could set his case inside, noticing that Sasori had one as well. He then went to sit up front with him, Sasori grabbing the reins that controlled the two horses, giving a small whip to get them going.

If anyone was still out at this time, no one paid them any mind, but Deidara didn't speak just yet, not because he had nothing to say, he just had never spoken to Sasori outside with no hesitation before. He had to behave professionally on a daily basis, but this would be the first time that it didn't matter at the moment.

An hour into their ride, the horses picked up the pace to a trot at Sasori's prompting and the air cut into Deidara's poor clothing. It wasn't nearly as cold as winter, but spring still had a chill during the night time. Sasori didn't say anything as he scooted closer to him so their thighs were touching, shoulders brushing against one another.

"Masako was curious as to where I was going this time," Sasori said out of the blue and Deidara had automatically stiffened up, and it wasn't from the cold. "She believes we are going to another city to oversee a factory there."

" _'We'_ , un?" Deidara asked, eyes wide. "Did you actually tell her that I was coming with you?"

Sasori gave him a sideways glance. "Yes. She knows you are my bookkeeper, so the fact that you are attending really isn't a shock. Though she has been insisting on seeing you–"

"I've already told you that I will not see her again, Sasori, un," Deidara bit out, feeling tense with pent up frustration.

"I know, and I told her that you were unable to," Sasori assured, and the look he gave him made Deidara want to feel ashamed for getting upset, because Sasori did still care for him.

Turning away, Deidara kept his eyes on the dirt road ahead of them. "Let's not talk about her, un."

Sasori silence seemed to be his agreement.

Two hours later they arrived and Deidara only knew because Sasori had turned lightly, jostling him from his shoulder, and waking him. Deidara didn't even realize that he had fallen asleep, but with nothing to stimulate his mind, boredom soon turned to sleep.

Though now that Deidara was awake, he could see the silhouette that was the country home and the stables next to it. He and Sasori stepped down from the carriage and led the horses to get them watered and fed. Once they entered the stables, Sasori found an oil lamp on the wall and lit it, before heading back to the carriage to riffle for something in his pack. He went back to Deidara, and the blond received a key.

"Head to the house and have a look around. I'll take care of the horses and be there soon."

Deidara frowned, but didn't hand the brass key back. "You don't want any help, un?" Sasori must have been tired as well.

Shaking his head, Sasori began to take the bridle off one of the horses. "It'll take no time to get them settled in. Go," Sasori said, nudging his head towards the house and Deidara complied.

Once the front door was unlocked, he found a candle on a nearby table and lit it with some matches from his pocket. He sought out more candles after that so he could get a better look at the house and he had no idea why Sasori called this a small country home. It was larger than his home back in the city in every way.

There were three bedrooms, one master and two regular, and Deidara knew which one he would be sleeping in. He found three bathrooms, but only two were full, the other just a half. There was no food in the kitchen, but everything was clean, all pots, pans, and porcelain, ready to be used.

After some more wandering, he found the drawing room and lit some more candles, immediately finding three large bottles filled with liquor on a prominent stand. He went over and lifted the lid of one, automatically smelling scotch. Sasori seemed to have an affinity for it.

A few minutes later, Deidara let himself be found by Sasori in the drawing room, as he stared up at the portrait of a family of three. Sasori stood by Deidara, also gazing up at the painting.

"My father and grandparents."

Deidara had almost thought that it was Sasori as a child, but the eyes were all wrong, blue and a completely different shape, almond, not large like Sasori's.

"Did they live here, un?"

"It was a summer home for them, but my grandparents did live the remainder of their lives here." Sasori reached out and tugged lightly on the sleeve of Deidara's coat. "Tired?"

Deidara nodded slowly and they headed to the master bedroom, blowing out candles as they went. Sasori already had their suitcases in the room, but Deidara didn't care about that. He took off his jacket just as Sasori came from behind and placed his hands on his hips, slowly untucking his shirt and Deidara tried not to shiver as the man's hand ventured to unbutton his pants so he could get his hand into his trousers.

Deidara's breath hitched as Sasori stroked him slowly, all the while kissing down his neck. He reached behind him, lacing his fingers through Sasori's hair as his other hand rubbed the front of Sasori's pants, servicing his lover as well.

Though soon, Sasori's hand was removed and he ripped Deidara's shirt off, the buttons popping off as he pulled but the blond was beyond caring. He pulled Sasori over him as he fell back onto the bed, already shimmying out of his pants and helping Sasori out of his so Deidara could have that skin-on-skin contact that he so desperately lusted after.

They rutted against each other for a few minutes, lips wandering but Deidara didn't go after Sasori's mouth, knowing that he would be rejected, and he didn't need to think about that. He just needed Sasori to be with him.

Sasori got on top of his knees and began to get off the bed, but Deidara stopped him. "What're you doing, un?" His voice already sounded wrecked to his own ears.

"The oil is in my bag," Sasori said, but Deidara didn't let go of him.

"It's fine, un," he said, but Sasori frowned down at him.

"I'm not too fond of hurting you, Deidara."

The blond scowled at hearing that. "It's fine, Sasori."

The man scoffed at that but he leaned back down to kiss Deidara's forehead and the act seemed more platonic than anything.

"Well, we may just do something else then," he suggested.

Deidara wasn't sure what he meant but a minute later, he was on his stomach with a pillow under his hips, Sasori working his mouth against his ass. They hadn't done this often, and it was usually rushed, but now with all the time in the world, Sasori was taking his time, his pace so lethargic but loving that Deidara couldn't help but moan. Sasori continued to do this, shoving his tongue inside of him and Deidara's toes curled at the sensation, feeling so incredibly wet and he wondered if this was what women felt like when they were aroused.

Slowly, Sasori added a finger in with his tongue, and then another, now foregoing use of his tongue. Deidara had to turn his head to the side so he wouldn't suffocate into the pillow his head was resting on, but with each exhale, his breath fogged the room and he wasn't sure if it was the his eyes that were becoming clouded or his breath doing so to the room. Altogether, he felt too hot.

Soon, Sasori removed his fingers and pulled Deidara's hips up and towards him and Deidara understood what was happening as he got onto his shaky knees, forearms and head still resting on the bed. Going slower than he usually would, Sasori entered him at a leisurely pace, hips thrusting slowly, every time going a little deeper than before.

It was more of a tease than anything to Deidara, and he whined in the back of his throat, hands clenching the sheets as his forehead rested pillow, his back curved inward. Sasori placed a hand on the middle of his back and moved it up towards Deidara's neck, gently stroking the skin there and Deidara lifted his head so he could see him. Sasori entered him fully and leaned over him so he could place a kiss on his shoulder, but Deidara was done with the slow affection that he had craved so much previously. He knew that they could go slowly like this later, but now he just needed to be fucked.

He rocked his ass back against Sasori, giving him the okay to go faster and his lover didn't see a hassle in doing so. His hips snapped against Deidara's ass, and Deidara was filled with heat. Their skin slapped together, the sound loud in the large room, but joining the sound was Deidara's groans and mewls, not needing Sasori's encouragement to be loud.

Sasori's hands roamed his body as they moved against one another, one hand pinching a nipple, while the other played with the head of his cock, both making Deidara nearly sob in pleasure. Sasori bit Deidara's shoulder at one point as he stroked his cock and that was Deidara's limit as he came all over the pillow under his hips, mouth agape as he tried to breathe in the already musky air.

As soon as his orgasm had left him boneless, Sasori pulled out and Deidara was about to tell him he didn't have to do that, but the man just turned him onto his side, lifting one leg over his shoulder before entering him hastily. Deidara's breath was lost to him again as he grabbed the sheets for purchase, Sasori pounding into him roughly and quickly, with every other thrust hitting his prostate.

Sasori held his leg in place with one arm, mouth roaming over his calf before sinking his teeth and sucking, causing Deidara to give a mewl, his body becoming over stimulated. Sasori then moved his leg down to rest on top of his other, so Deidara still remained on his side, and his thrusts quickened. Deidara was still holding onto the blankets under him, his knuckles turning white as Sasori finally release inside of him, his head bowed as he groaned into Deidara's shoulder.

The blond let go of the sheets and ran a hand through his lover's hair, leaning towards him to kiss his head and down the side of his face, Sasori breathing deeply at the act. Soon he pulled out and Deidara repressed the wince, but shivered at the feeling of Sasori's spend slipping from him.

Sasori got up from the bed and went to the bathroom joined to the room, but Deidara was too tired to do anything but close his eyes and rest, doing his best to not gasp for air. A moment later, he felt a wet rag being run across his body, cleaning any spunk left on him and he hummed in appreciation. Afterwards, they both got under the large blankets and Deidara immediately curled into Sasori's side, the man wrapping an arm around him as he stayed on his back.

There were no sentiments of 'goodnight' and 'I love you', because Deidara thought it didn't need to be said. That, or they were too tired to say it, he hoped that it was the former.

 **Review?**


	4. At a Cruel Angle

Deidara didn't get to wake up in someone's arms that morning. He was slowly rising from his slumber, stretching his legs lightly to feel the cool bed sheets and he curled back up to keep warm. Blue eyes opened and Deidara saw the opposite side of the bed empty.

He tried not to let disappointment overtake his reasoning as to why Sasori wasn't there with him, but he had already let hope in to get crushed. He didn't even bother to frown as he sat up and got out of bed, feeling the hardwood floor underneath him chill his feet.

Deidara began looking for his clothes, and he found them folded neatly on a desk chair. He put on his pants, but saw the shirt was lacking buttons. Deidara gave a soft groan and saw that the desk had all five buttons resting on it neatly. He had no idea that Sasori was so organized.

He almost began looking for his cigarette's when he realized that he didn't bring them. Groaning, he hoped that he really could go without them this trip. So far, he had been doing well.

Forgoing his shirt, he found one of Sasori's and put it on, noticing that these buttons shined whenever the sun hit them. He walked out of the room and heard some rustling coming from the kitchen. Following the sound, Deidara found Sasori making some tea and biscuits with gravy. It shocked him to see Sasori cooking, so he didn't say anything until the man turned around and saw him.

Sasori's half-lidded eyes raked over his form, and stopped on the shirt, but not for long until he looked at his face. "Good morning, how are you?"

Deidara shook himself out of his stupor and cleared his throat, moving into the kitchen further, feeling the warmth coming from the stove that Sasori was at. "Fine," he replied, before adding, "You know how to cook, un?"

Sasori merely nodded. "I've never really liked servants always taking care of me and I've lived alone for a year in my youth. Cooking became a necessity."

Deidara hummed and saw the other ingredients on the counter. "Where did all this come from, un?"

Sasori saw Deidara's gaze and turned back to the gravy he was stirring. "I went into town earlier this morning. Did I wake you at all?"

Deidara shook his head, and realized that he was so used to Sasori leaving, that he slept through it most of the time.

Sasori said, "Good." Breaking Deidara's chain of thought. "Do you mind setting the table?"

"Not at all, un," Deidara murmured as he found a table cloth and spread it out on the small table the kitchen provided. It was unlikely that they would go to the dining room for such a small meal between two people. Deidara then grabbed two sets of plates, forks, and spoons, napkins soon adding to the mix.

Sasori brought over two cups of tea, then two plates of biscuits with a brown gravy covering them. They ate without prayers, as Deidara always did, very little talk happening between the two of them. Sasori read the paper, his hand poised over his tea, ready to take a sip whenever he was ready.

Deidara wasn't sure what they would be doing these next two days, considering the most he and Sasori ever did was have sex, but that mattered little to him. All he cared about was spending time with Sasori, regardless of what they did. They could spend all day not talking to each other, and Deidara wouldn't care, as long as he was with Sasori.

Deidara sipped at his tea, and noticed that it was stronger than what he was used to. Probably because whatever he bought was cheap and he reused it often.

As they ate, Deidara realized that there relationship had changed from before. They almost always had their usual banter, casually insulting one-another, but ever since Deidara found out that Sasori was married, he couldn't find himself continuing that behavior and he had no idea why.

He felt betrayed and nearly less likely to trust Sasori, but he didn't want to leave him. He didn't want to end their relationship, because he was still selfish and wanted Sasori more than anything.

For Deidara, it was too late to go back from being without Sasori.

After breakfast, they both cleaned up together and Sasori asked him what he wanted for lunch. Deidara just shrugged. "What would you make, un?"

Sasori crossed his arms and leaned against the kitchen counter. "What do you usually eat?"

"An apple, un," Deidara replied, already seeing a bundle of the fruit on the counter.

Pursing his lips, Sasori sighed. "You know, I've noticed that you've been becoming thinner and thinner whenever I see you. I would blame it on those damned cigarettes for suppressing your appetite but I know it's more than that."

Deidara raised a brow and walked over to Sasori, standing in front of him. "And what would that be, un?"

Sasori met his challenging stare. "That you don't bother to feed yourself, when you are easily able to. I've been meaning to ask you why you don't seem to take very good care of yourself."

Deidara almost asked him if Sasori would take care of something worthless, but he kept the thought to himself. "It's just the way I am, un."

"I'm surprised you don't drop from exhaustion whenever I see you," Sasori said, bringing a hand up to trace the dark rings under Deidara's eyes. "You don't sleep well either."

Deidara didn't want to mention that he only slept well with him, but he was tired of this coddling that made Deidara realize how useless he was at caring for himself. He grabbed Sasori's hand and kissed it, hoping that would distract him. He wasn't wearing his ring, and if he was, Deidara was sure it would have a cold bite against his skin.

"But I'm still living, aren't I, un? I still have enough energy to love you, Danna." He leaned towards him and inclined his head towards the hand before kissing it again.

Sasori then used both of his hand to cup Deidara's face before kissing his forehead. "You still need to take better care of yourself, or else, I'm afraid I'll lose you soon."

Deidara stiffened up at hearing that. Did Sasori think he was going to leave him? Or something worse could happen? What was worse than that?

"You won't lose me, Sasori, un." Deidara said, looking up lightly to kiss the corner of Sasori's mouth, knowing this was the closest he'd get as a kiss from the man.

Sasori nuzzled his face and, breathing gently into his ear, saying, "I'll make sure of that."

–

Their activities for that day varied from one another. After breakfast, they moved back to the bedroom, Sasori's back against the headboard as Deidara bounced in his lover's lap, panting and whining whenever his prostate was hit. Afterwards, they cleaned up with a bath and moved to the sitting room, Sasori still reading his newspaper while Deidara found a book. They sat on the love seat, Deidara's back resting against the arm, his feet shoved under Sasori's legs so they were kept warm.

When Sasori began noticing how cold Deidara was in the large house, he got him a blanket and lit up the fire place in the room they were currently. Deidara soon fell asleep when he got warm enough, but an hour later, he woke up when Sasori stood up, jostling him on the couch.

"Sorry, I was heading to the restroom," Sasori said as he pulled the blanket over Deidara further. "I'll be back in a minute."

Deidara fell asleep easily enough and he woke up on his own a few hours later, giving a stretch into the cold air. He smacked his mouth, and rubbed his eyes trying to remove any sleep left in them. Getting up, he walked to the kitchen to see Sasori cooking again. The sight almost humored Deidara more than he found it strange, but he didn't laugh.

"Would you like coffee or tea with lunch?" Sasori asked, not turning away from the stove, and Deidara saw that he was making porridge.

"Tea," Deidara replied as he set the table again and they ate in semi-silence.

They tidied up once more and Sasori suggested that they go outside for a walk. Deidara didn't object, and he grabbed his jacket and shoes to see what the property had to offer. There was a small flower garden behind the house, most of the buds blossoming in the soft spring light, and some of the flowers even gave off an extremely fragrant scent.

The wind jostled Deidara's hair as he and Sasori strolled around the large property and Sasori obviously noticed Deidara's discomfort, as his hair was usually tucked away into his jacket. Giving a sigh, Sasori stopped them and stepped behind Deidara to undo his ponytail, the blond protesting lightly, but Sasori ignored him. The man gathered up all of Deidara's hair, including his fringe, and tied it into a low ponytail, so it wouldn't be blowing in his face.

Sasori then turned to face him and he gave a small smile. "There, I can see your whole face now." And Deidara nearly blushed, but he looked away as they began walking, Sasori's hand holding Deidara's and the blond couldn't complain. Soon they wandered by a lake and Deidara watched the ducks floating on the surface of it. "It's gorgeous in the Summertime here, the lake so blue that you would almost think it was the ocean."

"Are you suggesting that we come back here another time, un?" Deidara asked, not expecting a serious answer, but Sasori shrugged.

"Only if you'd like to," Sasori replied, and they walked the border of the lake.

"Do you come here often, un?"

"Not very much since Hitomi's been born, but we've been here last year since she's gotten older, but only when the weather permits as her asthma worsens depending on it."

Deidara didn't remember asking Sasori if he _and_ his family had been here often, but the man sometimes spoke of them whenever he spoke of himself. It nearly made him angry, but Deidara wouldn't let his sour mood ruin their time together.

But he still had a burning question at the tip of his tongue. He let it spill through. "Why did you never mention that you had a family, Danna, un?" Deidara stared ahead as they continued to walk.

"I didn't think it was important and it didn't relate to our relationship."

Deidara still thought that Sasori didn't see the problem in his affair, but now this was about something else. "But you speak of them often enough now, even though I never ask of them, un."

"If you would prefer I didn't, that's fine," Sasori said and Deidara looked down at the green grass below them.

"Yes, please, un."

In Deidara's mind, he only wanted him and Sasori to exist in this world. Sasori was all Deidara had, and Deidara was all Sasori had. It was a foolish dream, but Deidara couldn't help it. This dream kept him alive and from preventing himself from doing something stupid.

–

That night their fucking was slow, almost to the point of love-making and Deidara didn't know that he could come so many times in one round, clinging to Sasori breathlessly. Even though Deidara was exhausted by the end of it, he demanded more. He sucked Sasori off while palming himself as well, getting turned on from hearing Sasori's groans and Deidara ended up finishing before his lover, but he still serviced him until he reached his completion as well.

They had one more round, Deidara in Sasori's lap once more, but the older male controlled the situation, strong hands gripping his hips as he brought him down on his cock over and over again. Deidara held himself close to Sasori, arms around his head and shoulder, face buried in his neck as he let out a chorus of moans. His cock between their bellies wasn't getting much attention, but Sasori soon grasped his member and began pumping slowly enough to tease Deidara into letting out more noises.

All of the sensations came together, every little thing adding to his climax until Deidara finally came, a scream practically ripped from his throat and Sasori breathed gently into his neck from the sound. Deidara had never sounded so loud before and just the fact that he had this time, made his face become ablaze.

Sasori soon finished inside of him, but they didn't move for a few minutes, still holding each other's bodies, not willing to let go just yet. Deidara thought that he could fall asleep like this completely surrounded by Sasori, but he wasn't too exhausted to not feel Sasori pull out of him and lay him down on the bed.

He wasn't sure if Sasori cleaned them up after that, but he honestly didn't care, because all he wanted was for Sasori to fall asleep with him, and stay with him all through the night and morning.

–

Deidara did wake up in Sasori's arms in the morning, the redheaded man snoozing away even as the sun came up. Deidara was facing him, and he watched his face, realizing it wasn't very often when Sasori looked so peaceful. Usually, even his passive face made him look angry, but now he was just serene and delicate.

Chancing it, Deidara leaned up and kissed Sasori's lips, and he felt his lover gently stir awake. He didn't respond and Deidara pulled away, knowing that he would probably never do so, but he didn't want the mood ruined, so Deidara began kissing his neck, sucking lightly, making Sasori groan softly, still waking up.

Sasori's hand began to wander to his back before moving down towards his ass, cupping a cheek gently before moving to ease a finger inside of him. Deidara inhaled quickly, still tender from the night before, but he wasn't going to protest instead he began kissing down to Sasori's collarbone, biting the protruding bone sweetly.

Another finger was added and the digits were scissored inside him slowly and Deidara's breathing picked up, his face becoming flushed as he looked up at Sasori. The older male seemed to like the reaction because he leaned down to kiss his scarlet cheek and Deidara actually gasped when he added in another finger. He couldn't stop his hands from reaching up and grasping Sasori's shoulders as his lover continued to open him up.

A few minutes of this passed before Sasori pulled his fingers out and turned Deidara over onto his other side, the blond almost becoming tangled in the sheets, but Sasori kicked them off before moving behind Deidara, lifting the leg not on the bed lightly so Sasori could enter him and Deidara shivered as they hadn't used this position in a long time and he was almost unused to it.

Sasori was kissing his shoulder as he began moving in and out of him and Deidara grasped the pillow under his head as he whined softly. Doing something new, Sasori looped the crook of Deidara's knee into the crook of his elbow and moved his hand down towards Deidara's cock.

Deidara bucked into his touch, nearly making Sasori pull out of him, but the man just thrust in again, scooting closer so Deidara couldn't move away as easily. Sasori used his other hand and moved it under Deidara's head, making the blond look at him and Deidara resisted the urge to kiss Sasori's lips.

Instead, Sasori kissed his forehead, eyes slipping closed as he continued to thrust and Deidara let his eyes close as well, not wanting to see, just to feel.

It felt like an eternity before they both finally came and Deidara almost wanted to fall back asleep, but he didn't want to waste any time with Sasori, as this was their last day.

Breakfast was slow, both of them lethargic from their morning sex, but it wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Deidara liked seeing Sasori slightly exhausted, as it made him look human and he took some pride in it as he was the one who did this to him.

The two of them then went to the drawing room, and Sasori went straight to the fire place to get it started. Deidara had spent a lot of time there, but the one thing that he hadn't touched was the phonograph in the corner of the room. There was one at the university that he went to, but all the other students dominated it, and he never got a chance to listen to it, or play the songs he wanted.

He walked over to it, but didn't touch it, though he felt a presence from behind him. An arm reached around him and it began fiddling with the thing, before music began to spill out.

"I still think live music is better, but it is a wonder that he can get music without an entire orchestra in the room."

Deidara nodded his head, just as two arms wrapped around his waist from behind. They rocked gently from side to side and Deidara closed his eyes. In his mind, they were both dancing properly, the way that two people who loved each other should. It nearly made him cry, but his eyes kept dry. He refused to cry in front of Sasori anymore, not because it bothered the man, but it bothered Deidara more. It ruined the perfect image that Deidara had imagined.

Once the song was finished, Deidara pulled away before Sasori, because it would hurt him less, and turned to face him. "When do we have to leave today, un?"

Sasori's hands found his hips again. "Around eight o'clock. I had told Masako that I would be back before midnight."

Deidara didn't find it fair that Deidara didn't even get a proper two days with Sasori, but it wasn't like he had any right to it. Sasori didn't belong to him, and technically, he didn't belong to Sasori, but it felt like he did.

Not giving it much thought afterwards, Deidara nodded his head and looked around the room a bit. "What would you like to do today, un?"

Deidara almost hoped that Sasori wouldn't lead him back to the bedroom, because even though he loved to have sex with him, he didn't want that to be their whole relationship. Even though that was what their relationship was built of off before, Deidara wanted more. He wished that he could go into town and shop with Sasori for groceries, wished that it was just the two of them to go to boring plays, but that wasn't possible, or at least in the way that Deidara wanted to go, looping elbows or holding hands.

He scoffed at his imagination. The ludicrous things his mind came up with.

Sasori noticed the reaction and raised a brow. "Is everything all right? I hadn't even said anything."

Deidara looked at him and nodded. "Yes, yes, I suppose I'm just tired is all."

Not giving it another thought, Sasori began pulling Deidara to the bedroom, and the blond almost pulled away, until Sasori said, "If you're tired then you should sleep. I know that once we get back, you'll be out drinking again and barely getting any sleep."

Deidara flinched at hearing that, knowing it was true, but he didn't know how Sasori found out.

His lover didn't seem bothered by it as he pulled Deidara into bed with him, covering them with the sheets and large blankets. Deidara knew that Sasori wasn't a fan of cuddling, yet the man was pulling him close against his chest and Deidara wrapped an arm around his waist to have him close as well.

When Deidara woke up an hour later, Sasori was still in bed with him, but it didn't look like he slept at all.

"Are you not tired, un?"

Sasori looked at him and nearly smiled. "I am, but if I sleep then it feels as though I spend less time with you. I'd rather stay awake." Sasori reached a hand up and touched lightly underneath Deidara's eyes. "Though it looks like you've slept more than you normally would. You've also stopped smoking."

Deidara pursed his lips, but soon let out a breath, something akin to a sigh. "I didn't want to bring them here, even though I would love one dearly at the moment, un."

Sasori chuckled at him and Deidara scowled. "Yes, you may want one, but you've been looking better with each passing hour, Deidara. And I haven't ever seen you eat this much."

Deidara knew it was because the two of them had barely ever shared a meal together, but he didn't mention that. "That's because you make too much food, and it'd be a shame to let it go to waste, un."

"I suppose that could be it, but since we've been here, you seem... happier. I wish that you could stay this way."

Deidara looked away at that moment. "You've never spouted this much sentimental bullshit, Sasori, un. I'd say there's something wrong with your health, but we both know that, that isn't possible."

"Perhaps my mind, then?"

"Only conclusion, un," Deidara grunted.

Why was Sasori telling him this? That he also wanted them to be happy together? It just gave Deidara false hope, because they both knew it would never happen. That, and they both agreed that they could never be truly happy together. Sasori said it himself. So why was he wanting it now?

"I thought you said that we could never be happy together, Sasori," Deidara commented offhandedly and the redhead's eyes widened.

"Well, given the circumstances, I believe this to be true, but... I would still like for _you_ to be happy. It is possible, Deidara."

Deidara laughed bitterly, and he still hadn't looked at Sasori this whole time. "I'm already so consumed by you, that any happiness that was set out for me, is gone, un. You may have found a treasure trove of happiness with you and your family, but as I've said before, I'm not getting that anytime soon. The family or the happiness, un."

It was a moment before Sasori spoke. "You've seemed happy this weekend."

"That's because you've been here with me this whole time, un. You haven't had to go back to your home, and I to mine. The only happiness I've found these past two and a half years is when I'm with you, and it's pathetic, un."

Sasori cupped his cheek and Deidara closed his eyes. "Why?"

"Because I am not able to function without you and I need you, but you don't need me." He took a deep breath. "You're clearly not mine, nor will you ever be, un." Deidara laughed once more, but it was short. "And I feel as though I belong to you in a way, but what do I possess of you? Nothing, un. Nothing but a few nights a week where all we can do is fuck."

Sasori made Deidara look at him then and the younger male opened his eyes. Sasori didn't look angry really, but he seemed bothered by his words. "What is it that you really want, Deidara?"

Deidara frowned. "I want us to be together all the time, Sasori, un. I want these past two days to be replayed over and over again." He paused, his voice almost shaking, but he held it back. "I don't want to have to share you, un."

Sasori nearly pulled back at that, but he just moved his head away slightly, as if to get a better look at Deidara. Did what Deidara say really bother him? Deidara just wanted Sasori to know how he felt, but he knew that was a grave mistake. He knew who Sasori would chose if he had to chose between him and his wife.

"If these are your true desires, Deidara, then I am truly sorry," Sasori said softly, brushing his thumbs against the blond's cheeks. "I wish that I could give you these things, but I can't." Deidara closed his eyes and willed the tears to stay back. He knew this already, but why was it hurting again. It was always the same conversation, but each time it hurt more and more. "If you would like to come back in a few weeks, that's doable. But we both know that we can't spend the rest of our lives here, Deidara."

"Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me, un?" Deidara opened his teary eyes to stare into Sasori's brown ones. "There must be, considering how I feel about you. Just the chance that you may no longer be with me, sends me into a depression that only you can get me out of, un. Maybe the problem is in my head."

Sasori smiled lightly, and Deidara wanted to be mad at him for doing so, but he never got to see the man seem genuinely happy. "We can be ill together then?"

Deidara felt one tear finally slip free. "For how long, un?"

Sasori leaned in close and kissed his forehead. "For as long as possible."

For Deidara, he knew that soon, it would be impossible to be together. He just didn't want to reach that breaking point.

 **Review? If you have any questions, are confused, want to fight me about stuff?**


	5. You do Such Damage

The night they left was cold. They hadn't done much talking as they were packing up, and even before that, the words between the two of them were very few.

Deidara was putting Sasori's shirt into his bag, wanting one thing to remember this trip by, and it wasn't like the man couldn't afford another one. If not, it was compensation for the one that was now without buttons, thanks to Sasori.

"The usual cleaning crew will be coming tomorrow, so they can take care of the leftover food," Sasori said as he got his bag from the bedroom they shared.

Deidara nodded and tried not to think of what they would do with that food. Throw it away, probably, even though Deidara knew that the leftovers could feed him for at least three days. But he didn't dwell on it, as food wasn't his main priority anyway.

As they were leaving the house, Deidara tried to recall everything from their stay and commit it to memory, but some details already eluded him. Sasori was getting the horses ready and Deidara placed the bags inside the carriage, just as a large gust of wind blew into the stables.

It was colder than the nights had usually been these past few weeks, but it was only when Deidara inhaled through his mouth that he felt that ache in his lungs. Deidara put a hand over his mouth to muffle his coughing, and even when he was done, he tried not to wheeze. Sasori hadn't seemed to notice the reaction, and Deidara was glad for that.

As both Sasori and Deidara got seated and ready to go, the latter tried not to wince as he sat. Even though the two of them had a small disagreement once more, they still had sex another time, this one just an hour before they had to part. Deidara was still sore, and the mark on his shoulder pulsed with each pulse of his heart. The teethmarks were no doubt going to be visible for the next few days.

For the ride, Deidara made sure to keep his scarf over his nose and mouth as he breathed, not wanting the cold air to aggravate his lungs anymore than it already had.

It was quiet for the whole ride, neither of them were touching and it made Deidara feel as though this trip was all for nothing. Although, he hadn't necessarily been expecting Sasori to leave his wife for him. When they finally arrived at his home, it was late, and not many people were out, as the weather had gotten cooler.

Deidara stepped down and got his bag, but before he went to his house, he looked up at Sasori and gave a small smile. "Goodnight. I suppose I'll see you tomorrow, un."

"Goodnight, Deidara," Sasori said monotonously before snapping the reins for the horses to go.

The first thing that Deidara did when he got into his home was start the wood stove in his bedroom. The next was to light a cigarette. Even though he coughed the first few puffs, his lungs soon settled down and he enjoyed his addiction. Then, he pulled Sasori's shirt from his bag and inhaled the fabric gently, the cigarette long gone by now. It still smelled of him, but Deidara wondered how long? How long would Deidara be alone?

–

And once more, their lives returned to normal, as if nothing had ever happened in the first place. Deidara still went to work early as he usually did, and got his papers in order so he could drop them off, when he heard a knock on his door.

"Come in, un," he called, knowing it was Sasori who usually came at this time to get the papers in advanced. But when he looked up, he was surprised to see Hidan there, looking hungover, but still full of energy. "Do you need something, Hidan, un? You don't even come this early," Deidara commented quietly.

The silver-haired man scoffed, and stepped into the office, waltzing up to Deidara's desk casually. "Suigetsu got the living hell beaten out of him last night at the pub. Fucker can't even open his eyes, much less help manage the factory." Hidan smirked lightly. "I guess you'll have to cover for him, blondie."

Deidara scowled up at Hidan, the papers in his hands crinkling at his now firm grip. He hated watching the children, and not just because he was once in the same position as them, but he hated seeing them get beat for no reason. "I have a lot of catching up to do–"

"'Cause you were gone this fucking weekend? Well, it's your shitty fault for leaving in the first place, but you still gotta help out." Hidan's eyes raked up and down Deidara's form quickly, before he said. "You went with Akasuna to go check out that new factory, right?"

Deidara tried to keep himself calm, because he had no idea how Hidan knew. "So what? I'm a bookkeeper, I get paid for helping managing other factories financially, un."

Hidan hummed. "Do you get paid for fucking people, too?"

In an instant, it felt like Deidara's blood froze, but at the same time, it moved all towards his face in rage. "What kind of shit runs through your mind, Hidan, to even–"

Hidan interrupted him with a loud chuckle. "Fucking button up your whole shirt, blondie, if you don't want people to see you covered in freaking bite marks. Did you get mauled by a dog, or somethin'?"

Deidara's cheeks were now just red from embarrassment and he put down his papers to quickly buttoned up his whole shirt. "It's none of your business, un," he bit out.

The man just shrugged, a shit-eating grin now pasted on his face. "I kinda wanna meet the fuckin' bitch who did that to you. Do you think that she would wanna do the same for me?"

Deidara knew that Hidan had some fetish for pain, and was about to mock him until he saw Sasori walk through his doorway, not looking pleased in the least. Deidara hadn't seen him this pissed since he had ruined those letters.

"If you really want to experience some pain, Yu, you can just throw yourself into one of the older machines, since we're replacing them anyway," Sasori suggested and Hidan immediately turned around, countenance shocked and embarrassed all at once.

"Akasuna–"

Sasori stopped him with a sharp look, as he said, "You have no idea how easy it is find another shift watcher, so I suggest you go do you job before I replace you, Yu."

Hidan muttered a quick, "Yes, sir," before leaving, not even giving another glance to Deidara, who didn't necessarily want to be left alone with Sasori when he was like this.

But then, the man looked at him, brown eyes also raking all over his form, and Deidara wished that he didn't feel like such an object. "Do you have a scarf?"

Deidara nodded his head, because he did bring one as it was still cold when he was walking to work that morning.

Sasori seemed satisfied. "Good, wear that until the bruise fades."

Usually, Deidara would spend all day in his office but if Sasori wanted him to wear a scarf, that meant that he would be out in the public. "Akasuna, I have too much to do, so I can't watch–"

"It'll just be for today," Sasori interrupted, voice hard, but Deidara knew that if he searched his countenance, he would find some sort of apology in there, but he was too upset to do that.

"Fine, un," Deidara muttered as he picked up his scarf and coat, putting both on so he could play it off that he was just cold. Sasori was still in his office, so Deidara passed him the papers roughly, as they both left and Deidara started his shift of watching the workers.

He could only hope that no one would die today.

–

Look around. Make sure that no one is too close to the machines. Make sure the machines are working smoothly, if not, send one of the smaller children in to fix it. Make sure they don't die.

Keep an eye out for any children sleeping, they were good at hiding to sleep, but Deidara knew what it looked like when a child tried to cover for one of their friends. Find the child, nudge them awake.

Deidara was technically allowed to have a whip to beat the children with, but he never used it, and instead made sure that everything was running smoothly.

An hour into his shift, Hidan found him and nudged him cheekily, as he cracked a joke about his scarf. Deidara had barely replied when he heard a child cry out from being struck. He looked around Hidan and saw one of the shift leaders, Zabuza, with his whip out and a child on the ground, clutching at his arm.

Deidara scowled and Hidan looked over to see what he was so upset about. "Momochi's a fucking sadist, don't bug him, blondie."

"I wasn't planning on it," Deidara replied as he went about his own business, while avoiding Zabuza. He wasn't going beat a child, but he wasn't going to stick up for a lazy or tired kid, especially if he wanted to remain unharmed from Zabuza. That man was notorious for killing a child but none of it had ever been traced back to him, because in the end, the child died from infection. The infection was caused from the child being whipped to smithereens.

Whenever Deidara was out on the factory floor, he always wondered why Sasori never fired the man, but he supposed it was because Zabuza was only doing his job and that if a child got a little bit hurt, what was the harm? As long as everyone did their job, there was no problem.

A few hours later, just before lunch, Deidara was walking next to a machine just as a child stepped out between a tight crevice, falling into him haphazardly. Deidara didn't shove him out of the way, but he did move aside so he wouldn't fall on him, and the child fell to the ground, but Deidara was sure that the boy wasn't considered a "child" anymore, as he was probably in his preteens.

As the boy fell to the ground, he let out a small cry, and for a moment Deidara didn't think he was a boy with his long black hair, and feminine voice, but he knew this one had been working at this specific factory for at least one year. Deidara sighed, and leaned down to help him up just as he heard someone yell his surname.

Deidara looked up just in time to see a fist coming for his face, and he managed to dodge it by falling back onto his ass, but in his new position, he couldn't avoid the kick to his gut that had him sliding a few feet across the floor. He had no idea that he was light enough to be tossed around.

He was still heaving to get his breath back when a hand wrapped around his neck. He looked up to see Zabuza snarling down at him and he tried to yell to get him off, but all he could do was gasp for air, hands clawing at the man's wrist.

Through teary eyes, Deidara could see a hand land on Zabuza's shoulder, pulling him around so he could be punched and Deidara was released long enough to allow him a large lungful of air. He saw Hidan being pushed away, but the man kept on coming back at Zabuza until more workers came around, probably just to watch. But only when Zabuza managed to push Hidan to the ground, did he pull out his whip and Deidara nearly wondered in his hazed state if he was going to beat Hidan with it, until it turned on him.

It took only one good strike for his face to be marred and a scream tore through his throat, as his hands flew to the left side of his face. He felt blood seeping through his fingers, and he didn't dare open his eye, but he still watched what was going on through his right eye.

Deidara could barely hear what was going on over the yelling, and soon another voice was added to the chorus, but no one paid attention to it, until a shot rang out through the air, stilling everyone. All eyes turned upwards to the second floor, where Sasori was standing by the railing in front of his office, a hand held in the air, a gun clenched in it.

"All of you, back to work!" He yelled, as his eyes found the culprits for the fight, and Deidara knew that he would be in as much trouble as the other two men who were fighting. "You three! To my office! Now!"

Deidara tried to keep himself from flinching, but he had never really heard Sasori yell, and it was directed at him as well. He got up as quickly as possible, but when he saw how much blood was on the floor, he was almost dizzy. That had come from him? He looked away quickly and Hidan almost caught his elbow as he swayed, but he pulled away from him. He wasn't going to be pitied.

As Deidara was walking up the stairs, he saw the boy with ebony hair staring at Zabuza who was also ascending the steps, eyes full of tears. Deidara wasn't one to pity either.

Once they were all in Sasori's office, the Akasuna closed the door behind them and didn't even offer them a seat. He just stood in front of them and Deidara did his best to keep his breathing controlled. He didn't even lose that much blood (he thought), but he was already winded from climbing the steps.

"What happened?" Sasori said, voice as cold as stone, but none of them spoke up. Deidara would have, if he knew himself, but he honestly didn't know why Zabuza launched himself at him. Sasori didn't look amused in the slightest, and soon he made eye contact with Deidara, but seeing the blood just seemed to make him angrier. "I will fire all of you, if none of you will talk."

Hidan spoke quickly. "This fucker just started attacking Iwa for no fucking reason, and I was trying to get him off until he started waving his whip around, like a psychotic maniac!"

Sasori's eye twitched and Deidara knew it was from the excessive cursing. Sasori then looked at Zabuza and gestured to Hidan. "Is what he's saying true?"

Zabuza's jaw was clenched, before he said, "Iwa was abusing the workers more than necessary," he said quietly and Sasori raised a brow at that.

"Perhaps he had learned from you, Momochi." It was silent for a moment, until Sasori spoke again, "Get the hell out of here, Momochi, and if I see you back here, my gun is going to be a lot more useful than calling for attention." He then turned to Hidan. "You still fought, Yu, but this is a warning. Another fight and you'll be joining your friend here." Sasori looked at Deidara as he said, "Both of you, get out now."

The two of them left swiftly and once the door was closed, Sasori walked up to Deidara and grabbed his bloodied hand, but Deidara stepped away from him.

"I'm fine, I just need some bandages, un," Deidara bit out as he tried to keep the tremor from his voice.

Sasori seemed to be having none of that, because he nearly cornered Deidara to see his face. The man moved his bloodied hair to the side and Sasori's entire exterior became stoic, but Deidara could see that the man was actually extremely angry.

Deidara didn't know what he looked like, all he knew was that he was in pain, but then Sasori asked, "Are you able to open your eye?"

Frowning, Deidara tried doing so, but groaned and tried to cover up his eye again. It felt like his face was split in half. Sasori caught his hand once more and used the scarf he was wearing to catch any falling blood.

"We need to get you to a hospital," Sasori said quickly and Deidara shook his head.

"I can't afford that, un," he hissed between clenched teeth. "I can take care of it at home, Sasori."

The redhead shook his head quickly. "You won't be paying for it and I know for a fact that you will not take care of it at home. Let's go," he said, leading Deidara to the door, but he refused once more.

"Will you calm down? I am fine, and I don't need to be coddled by you, un," Deidara said, but he was already stumbling on his feet. "It's not like you actually care about me in the first place, Sasori, so stop lying."

Sasori's eyes widened at that, and almost immediately he grabbed Deidara by his arms and pulled him in close. "I thought we were past this, Deidara. What in the world makes you think that I'm going to toss you aside while you're hurt?"

Deidara tried to push him away, but Sasori held on tighter. "If you want me happy, Sasori, then let go, un," he ordered. For some strange reason, he had been feeling contempt for Sasori in just the past day. He knew it was just because he was jealous, and he wanted more of Sasori than he could receive, that was the reason he was trying to push him away. When there were instances when the man acted as though he cared about him, when he hadn't done so for the first two years of their relationship, it made Deidara angry.

Why was he doing this now? He couldn't have done so before? Was he just playing with Deidara to keep him around now that he knew about his marriage? Did Sasori expect him to leave?

Would Deidara be able to leave?

Deidara must have blacked out, because the next thing he knew, he was inside a carriage with Sasori, not completely oriented. And in the next moment, he was on a table with someone new over him, prodding at the left side of his face, but as he tried to lift his hands to bat him away, he found that he couldn't.

Deidara was for some reason tired, but as he felt something being dabbed at his face, he screamed as he tried to move away, but someone was holding his head in place. In no time, he felt sharp pinpricks in his face, while something was being pulled through. He couldn't even register that he was receiving stitches, all he knew was that there was pain.

The only solution to Deidara waking up later would be that he passed out. He was on a small, uncomfortable bed that was surrounded by a curtain. With a groggy hand, he touched the left side of his face, and found it heavily bandaged. Deidara groaned at the still stinging ache he got when he touched it, and he almost tried again, until a hand caught his wrist gently. Deidara didn't know how he hadn't seen Sasori before this, but if he had, he was sure that he would have tried to ignore him. It was too late for that now.

"How long have I been asleep, un?" Deidara asked, his voice hoarse. He wondered how much he had screamed before passing out.

Sasori pulled out his pocket watch and opened it, before replying, "Five hours." He sounded as exhausted as Deidara, and even though the work day wasn't done, he looked to be on the verge of passing out.

"Have you gone back to work at all, un?"

Sasori shook his head and Deidara frowned. Why was he trying to make such an effort on being here for him. Deidara would say that the man didn't actually love him, but he remembered that Sasori did love him in some way. That was when he realized that he wasn't referring to Sasori as his lover.

Deidara wondered how something could change so quickly in one day, but he knew it was entirely possible. Just like when he found out Sasori was married.

Something came into Deidara's field of view and he saw it was Sasori's hand, his thumb wiping under his right eye. "Are you in more pain?" Sasori asked and Deidara realized that he was crying.

Shaking his head, Deidara looked away from the man he knew he couldn't stop loving. "I'm still tired, un," Deidara said softly, and he wasn't sure if he meant still tired from their trip, or something else. There were many things that made him tired nowadays, that he felt as if he were one-hundred and not twenty.

"I'll see when they can have you released. Would you like to stay with me–?"

"No," Deidara said quickly. "I will be going back to my own home and dealing with this myself, un." Deidara sat up and he willed himself not to be dizzy. "I do not need your help anymore, Akasuna."

Sasori pursed his lips at the name, but he nodded. "I will still take you home, because the walk will be too long for you."

Deidara was too tired to fight with him, and soon, they were both in the carriage, Deidara doing his best to not lean into Sasori. Around fifteen minutes later, they arrived at Deidara's home and the blond tried to jump out as soon as possible, but Sasori stopped him.

"I'll have someone bring your belongings from the factory here to you. Don't come into work tomorrow," Sasori said, a hand on his arm to keep in place, and Deidara only nodded before he stepped out and got into his house. Deidara didn't even go to his bedroom, he just slunk against the wall next to his door, still lost in thought about Sasori. He wished that he had a simple solution towards his feelings for the man, but he didn't. He didn't even know what outcome he was looking for with the man anymore, but at the moment, Deidara would be satisfied with not breathing.

–

Deidara woke up three hours later in his bed, his head throbbing while his face was searing. He wasn't sure why he had woken up until he heard someone knocking at the door. So that was it.

Getting up slowly, Deidara went to the door to see who would bother to visit him and found Hidan at the door. Deidara was about to close the door but the man caught the door with his foot.

"Not so fast, blondie. Akasuna wanted me to bring your fucking briefcase." Deidara allowed the door to be opened up a little more so he could get his things back, but Hidan opened it even further and peered at his face.

"What, un?" Deidara croaked, his voice still riddled with sleep.

Hidan sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "Shit, Momochi did a fucking number on you. Can you still see?"

Deidara scowled and looked away for a moment with his right eye. "I don't know, I haven't tried yet, un." Just talking about it made Deidara feel sick. Could he see? He was afraid to find out.

"Well, when you get better, come to the pub with me, okay, blondie?"

Nodding, Deidara said that he would before closing the door. He brought his briefcase to the kitchen table and opened it, seeing that the rest of the work he was supposed to turn in was still in there. Sasori hadn't even bothered asking for it that morning.

Deidara's stomach gave a growl and the man realized he hadn't even for the whole day, and he grimaced. In just two days, his body had gotten used to having three meals a day and now he had barely anything. He snacked on an old apple and some cheese left on the counter. He had to eat around the mold.

With his stomach settling some, Deidara heading back to bed, wishing that he had something to drink so he could sleep easier, but he had already downed what he had previously.

–

For the next three days, Deidara remained at home and only ever ventured out to get more food and bandages for himself. He hadn't gone back to the hospital to see how his face was doing. Instead he set up his small mirror against the wall of his bedroom and began to undo the bandages slowly. He had done so before to clean the wound, but this was the first time he would actually be looking at it.

When it was off completely, hair pushed out of the way, Deidara kept his eyes closed. He wasn't sure if he could see it, if he was going to be able to stomach it. But very slowly, he began to open his eyes, his left one protesting more than his right, so he kept it shut. Once he got a good view in the mirror, a gasp left his lips.

The whip had left a laceration on his face, barely held together with stitches. The wound was red and angry, and almost weeping from an infection. It had gone all the way from his eye brow and almost reached his chin. His eyelid had also been sewed back together, and when Deidara tried to lift it, both of his eyes began to tear up in pain.

Giving it another chance, he used his hands to slowly lift the lid so he could see his left eye. Both the iris and pupil were milky and when he closed his right eye, his whole vision went black. He wasn't able to see with his left eye anymore.

Swallowing heavily, Deidara then began to rinse the wound with clean water before getting new bandages and wrapping it again. He then got off his bedroom floor and went to the kitchen to get his jacket and briefcase. He thought that three days was a long enough time away from work.

It was later than Deidara would usually leave, but he would still be on time. Besides, he still had to turn in his paperwork to Sasori. But just thinking of the man made Deidara's stomach do an nauseating flip. He wasn't able to admit it his first two days away, but now he could say that he genuinely missed Sasori. He didn't know why, considering he still thought that the man's affection for him was fake, but the rest of him still craved to be with Sasori. It was the rest of him that usually controlled his actions. It was the rest of him that usually slept with Sasori's shirt.

When he got to the factory, he was immediately greeted by Naruto, the boy asking him if he was okay. Then Hidan asked him the same thing. After assuring the both of them that he was fine, he went up to Sasori's office and saw the door slightly open, signaling that the man was in there. Deidara's stomach clenched and he knew it wasn't from hunger.

Knocking quickly, he awaited a reply and Sasori's voice called out for him to come in. Deidara stepped in and left the door open as he went to Sasori's desk, briefcase in hand.

"I wasn't able to hand in these before, un," Deidara said as he opened up his briefcase upon Sasori's desk, but he was interrupted from Sasori standing up quickly. Deidara narrowed his one eye and backed away lightly. "What, un?"

"What're you doing back so early?" Sasori asked, his question sounding more like an accusation.

Deidara wasn't liking the tone. "Well, for one, if I don't work then I get no money and I need that to survive, un."

"Do not be smart with me, Deidara," Sasori said brows furrowing into an angry glare. "You need to be resting, and I have gone to the hospital to see if you had gone back and they said–"

"Are you trying to keep tabs on me, un?" Deidara asked, outraged and he wished that he _had_ closed the door. "I do not need to go back and it is none of your concern if I do, because I can take care of myself, Sasori." He tossed the papers onto Sasori's desk and turned around to leave, saying, "Leave me alone, I have a lot of work to catch up on, un."

As soon as Deidara got to his office, he lit up a cigarette, and suppressed his coughing as he inhaled. His lungs ached but he didn't think about it as he seethed about Sasori.

Deidara didn't want him to care this much, even though before he wanted to know if the man actually loved him, at the moment, he wished he didn't. He wanted their relationship to return back to the way it was all those months ago where Deidara was content with having the man once or twice a week, but now Deidara couldn't stop thinking about him outside of those meetings.

Knowing that he had gotten this far with him only to have it held back from him is what really pissed Deidara off, almost more than Sasori lying to him for two years. And in his rage-induced moment, Deidara thought that Sasori didn't even care about him and was only pretending so just to keep Deidara semi-happy..

And only when Deidara had found out about the man's life, did Sasori even try to start showing him that he cared about him. Did that mean that the man was only doing so to make sure that Deidara would stick around? Was that why he agreed to the trip so easily, so he could convince Deidara that he loved him?

Deidara had already told himself that Sasori didn't truly love him, but just thinking about it now made his head spin and he realized it was from lack of oxygen. He quickly threw his cigarette from his mouth and grabbed his desk for purchase as he tried to breathe, but his vision was already swimming away from him.

He really hoped it wasn't his asthma returning, but could barely think about it as his breathing became more shallow. In the moment that he let go of his desk, someone grabbed his arms and held him upright.

"Breathe, Deidara," someone ordered of him and the blond could barely process the command.

Deidara fell into the person and once he started getting some feeling back, he knew it was Sasori. He knew the man's body anywhere. He heard Sasori breathing and did his best to follow him, holding onto his shirt as his eyes continued to water from the lack of breathing.

Only when Deidara was able to get a deep breath on his own did he pull away from his boss. "Wh-what do you want, un?" Deidara asked, his voice extremely tremulous.

Sasori frowned and reached down to pick up Deidara's briefcase from the ground, and Deidara realized that he had left it in the man's office previously. Sasori must have put it down when he was helping him.

"I would like it if you went home, Deidara. If you really want, I can give you some work, but I don't think that you being here will be helpful," Sasori said and Deidara snatched his briefcase from the man.

"How long do you plan on banishing me, un?" Deidara asked, his words all mocking.

Sasori let out a sigh. "Once you feel completely rested." Brown eyes found the cigarette laying on the desk and Sasori's frown turned into a scowl. "You wouldn't be having these attacks if you didn't smoke, you know."

Deidara bared his teeth and grabbed his jacket from his chair. "You aren't my mother, but then again, I've never had one. So that must be why I make such shitty life decisions, like being with you, un."

Deidara didn't even look back when he stormed out of his office, so he never got to see what Sasori looked like, but he knew that if he did, that he would hurt more than Sasori did at the moment.

–

Deidara hadn't gone back to work in two weeks. Hidan had dropped off more work for him that Sasori wanted him to do and Deidara did just that, but he now refused to go back to the factory. Hidan complained about having to deliver things to the two of them back and forth, but Deidara didn't care, and even said that Hidan didn't have to do anything, but his coworker just said that he'd like to keep his job.

In the first week, Deidara visited the hospital as his face was hurting more than usual and the doctors there took care of what they could. They told him that he wouldn't have to wear the bandages in the next few days and Deidara received a white eyepatch. He was supposed to keep his eye protected, but it was also something to keep people from seeing his eye, but the blond already had his hair for that.

When Deidara was being billed for the help, he told them to send the bill to Sasori, as he was the one who payed for the first trip anyway.

In the second week, he began wearing the eyepatch and his face felt more free, but he still had stitches so he still had to be careful with the left side of his face.

Sasori never told Deidara specifically when to come back to work, so the blond was drawing it out, but with so much spare time on his hands, all he could do was think and when he did that, he began to seethe. Some nights, Deidara hated Sasori and he wished that he had never met him, but on others, the man felt so empty and he wished that Sasori were there to hold him. Both made Deidara hate himself even more than he already did, but he wasn't going to become self-destructive. He was afraid that he had already done that.

He had tried lighting a cigarette the day after he left the factory and he thought that he might literally suffocate to death at just that. Over the next few days, Deidara found himself coughing up more blood than he had in the winter. He had considered telling the doctors about it, but he didn't think that was a good idea, knowing Sasori would be billed for it and Deidara would have Sasori "caring" for him once he realized something else was wrong.

Even when his stress reached an almost unbearable level, Deidara refused to touch those death sticks and tried to find something else to occupy his mind. Sasori was usually that thing and Deidara hated it.

After Deidara had spent a month away from the factory, he decided it was time to go back to work. His health had only improved lightly, but now his face only hurt when he had smiled or used his mouth too much to talk. Chewing food didn't hurt as much anymore though.

When he entered the factory, some looked at him and others ignored him, either way, Deidara didn't care. But as Deidara was getting his paperwork ready for Sasori, his hands were shaking. He knew it wasn't from lack of food because he had eaten that morning, and the lack of nicotine was already something that Deidara ignored with all of his strength. After a minute, Deidara concluded that he was nervous.

He hadn't seen Sasori in a month and the last words he said to him were extremely harsh, and completely undeserved. With those words, Deidara didn't know if they were still lovers and was what probably scared him the most. He had gone without Sasori for a month, so what if it turns out he went without him forever?

Deidara had to sit down and take a few deep breaths to calm himself down. Afterwards, he gathered his wits and papers before heading up to Sasori's office. He waited for a moment before knocking on the door, but what shocked him was when a new voice called out, "Come in."

Deidara stepped into find Sandaime, a man who ran one of the other factories, by Sasori's desk, writing something down on a piece of paper. When the man saw him, he straightened up. "Ah, Iwa, I was wondering when you'd be back."

For a moment, Deidara couldn't reply, but soon he cleared his throat and walked up to the man. "Reports for the last three days, un," Deidara said quickly as he handed in the papers.

Sandaime nodded his head and thanked him, but Deidara was already out the door when the words were spoken. He went back to his office to find Hidan at the door and Deidara didn't even hesitate to grab the man and bring the man inside.

"Where the hell is Akasuna, un?" He tried to keep his voice down, and calm enough to sound rational, but at the moment, that didn't exist.

Hidan looked put-off by his intensity but he shrugged lightly. "I don't fucking know, probably at home."

Deidara eyed Hidan carefully. "Why, un? He has a job, doesn't he?"

A short chuckle left Hidan's lips. "You don't like Sandaime or something, blondie? Yeah, Akasuna's got a job but he was in an accident two days ago with some other carriage. I heard that he was in a pretty shitty state."

To Deidara, it felt like time stopped. Sasori was hurt. But he didn't care about him anymore, did he? He did. He cared about Sasori, but what did that have to do with the man being hurt. Deidara realized almost instantly that he felt hurt, too, like his chest ached, and it wasn't because of his lack of breath.

Hidan kept on talking. "Yeah, but the bright side is he can't be a slave driver around here for a little while– Where the fuck are you going?"

Deidara just left his briefcase where it was and exited his office as quickly as his feet could take him in a walk. He hadn't even bothered to lock up and didn't look back as Hidan called out to him.

Where he was going, Deidara barely knew, he just needed to see if Sasori was alright, then he would leave and nothing else would happen. When he walked down the street, people steered clear of him and Deidara wondered if he looked crazed or just in a hurry. He didn't care what people thought of him, he just had to get to Sasori.

Deidara's lungs were on fire by the time that he finally reached Sasori's enormous home and he grabbed the knocker before he could even think, slamming it against the door rapidly. He didn't even care if the man was resting in bed, he just had to see with his one eye that the man was okay.

It took a few seconds longer than Deidara wanted, but the door was finally opened to reveal a maid. She seemed taken aback when she saw Deidara, who looked like a mess, clothes disheveled from his walk and panting quick breaths.

"I need to see, Sa– Akasuna, un," he said quickly, but trying to keep his voice as controlled as possible.

The maid's countenance twisted lightly, as if she were unsure about the man in front of her. "I'm sorry, but he is resting at the moment and cannot take visitors," she said as she began closing the door, and Deidara tried to stop it, but it was already happening.

"Maki, who is it?"

Deidara immediately stiffened up at the voice, but he knew that she would let him in, then he could see Sasori.

Masako came to the door and had it opened, her eyes widening slightly. She still looked stunning, but with the recent sun, she seemed to be glowing, her skin sun-kissed, but Deidara couldn't find time to admire her.

"I need to see Akasuna, un," he said slowly, his breath having returned to him.

Masako frowned and sighed, suddenly seeming stressed. "He's resting at the moment, but what is it that you need of him?"

Deidara froze. He hadn't even come up with an excuse to see Sasori. Maybe if he brought his paperwork, he would have a reason to see the man, but at the moment, no one would let him see his lover.

The word had Deidara's breath hitching.

"I asked Iwa to come over so I could give him something to take to the factory."

Masako turned around just as Deidara's eyes searched through the doorway to find Sasori. The man was walking down a large staircase, and he didn't seem a bit bothered by Deidara being there, and he seemed extremely calm.

But Deidara's heart was hammering in his chest as his eyes ran over Sasori's body. His right arm was in a sling, he had a cane in his left hand, and the right side of his face was slightly bruised, but the edges of it were fading to yellow.

Deidara didn't even realize that Sasori had made up an excuse for him, all he cared about was that Sasori was okay.

Masako's words brought him back to reality. "Oh," she said softly. "I didn't know that." She turned back to Deidara and let him in, her eyes slightly downcast.

Deidara ignored it and went to Sasori, who turned around and gestured for him to follow back up the stairs. It was taking almost all of Deidara's willpower to stop himself from pulling Sasori close to him, to now _feel_ if he was safe.

Only when they were in the man's office, with the door closed, did Deidara rush towards Sasori and wrap his arms around the man, making sure to avoid his injured arm. He didn't want to see Sasori's expression, so he buried his face in his shoulder and did his best not to cry, but any tears that did manage to spill were those of relief.

"How's your eye?" Sasori asked as he wrapped an arm around Deidara's shoulders, the blond feeling the man's hand on him gently patting his shoulder.

"Who cares, un," Deidara muttered. "How're you? Hidan said that you got into an accident, and I–" Deidara stopped, but he didn't cry, he just quit talking. He didn't want to think about the scenarios that he had imagined. "What's happened to you, Sasori, un?"

The hand on him never stopped comforting him. "I'm fine, really. A sprained ankle and a broken wrist, nothing impossible to take care of, though apparently I need more bed rest than time can provide." He gave a small sigh. "When did you go back to work?"

"Today," Deidara said, the words still muffled in Sasori's shoulder. "But," he said, pulling away just a bit. "I–I just came by to see that you were okay, and now that you are–"

"I've missed you, Deidara," Sasori interrupted, cupping Deidara's cheek, and a there was fondness in his eyes that made Deidara overflow with warmth.

"Me too, un."

But now that Deidara was back with Sasori, he realized something else about the man. For a whole month, he didn't need Deidara and when he had gotten hurt, he had others around to take care of him, and tell him to go back to bed. He had others to care about him. He didn't need Deidara, did he?

"Hey," Sasori said, gently stroking Deidara's cheek with his thumb. "Why do you look so sad now?"

Deidara shook his head lightly, almost in denial, but he didn't say a word about his true thoughts. "Just... I suppose I'm relieved, un," he said softly. "But I have to go back to work now."

Sasori's brow was furrowed and Deidara wished he didn't look so worried, but then the man grabbed his shoulder. "You're shaking."

Deidara barely noticed, but he just laughed it off. "Nerves," he supplied, but he couldn't stop trembling. He couldn't feel his legs and he tried to grab onto Sasori as he fell, but he had already lost all feeling when he hit the ground.

 **I decided to neglect my studying and posted this instead.**

 **Review?**


	6. With One Kiss

Deidara woke up to voices, words scattering over him, as he tried to regain consciousness.

"He fainted from lack of air... advise no strenuous activity from him... he live here?"

Deidara heard a soft. "No, visiting."

What was he doing again? He... he had to talk to Sasori. He had to see if he was okay.

"What happened to his eye?"

"An assault at work."

"Hm, well it looks like this is the extent of it's healing..."

Deidara felt a hand touching his eyelid and he immediately smacked the hand away and sat up to get away from the intrusive person. He realized he was in was bed and got as far away as he could without falling off. Deidara's breathing was heavy but he tried to keep it even, not wanting to suddenly pass out again.

He looked around and saw Sasori on the other side of the bed, a strange man next to him as well. He looked old, but Deidara realized he was the one who touched him. Quickly, Deidara put his hand over the damaged side of his face.

"What're you doing, un? Where is my eyepatch?"

Sasori nearly looked apologetic as he handed it over, but the man never really looked sorry for another person.

Deidara snatched it from him, tied it on and got out of bed, without another word to either man. He found his jacket and shoes and grabbed both before he left the room, but he felt Sasori on his tail.

"You fainted, that's why we called a doctor."

Deidara scowled at the ground. "I didn't realize that my eye had to do with me fainting, un."

Sasori placed a hand on his shoulder, stopping him. "That was unacceptable of him, we should have considered that you would have liked it to be left alone."

Deidara almost leaned into the touch. In his panicked state before, he barely got to savor the feeling of holding Sasori and being held back. Deidara didn't even realize that he could miss a person so much.

"I... I'm tired, I need to go home, un," Deidara said, pulling away but Sasori followed him.

"I can take you home in a carriage. The doctor said we shouldn't wear you out."

Deidara thought that he would refuse, but the chance at being alone with his lover made him feel more content than he had in a long time. They didn't see Masako on the way out, and for that Deidara was grateful.

When the carriage was set up, Deidara saw it was a different driver and he wondered if something happened to the last. But he honestly didn't care as they both got into the carriage, Deidara immediately leaning into Sasori, the man wrapping his good arm around his shoulder.

"How have you been?"

Deidara didn't want to reply truthfully. Lonely, angry, confused. "Fine, un," he settled on. "Work has kept me busy."

Sasori hummed and pulled him closer, lips resting at the top of his head. "It's been strange without seeing you. You've always been with me and it was an anomaly not having our everyday conversation together. I really did miss you, Deidara."

The blond felt guilt swell up inside of him. He had said cruel things to Sasori the last time they were working together, and the man seemed to completely look that over. Sometimes Deidara wondered why Sasori even continued to stay with him. Before, Deidara would have given him the sun to know if the man did truly loved him, but now he couldn't fathom why the man would even put in the effort of continuing their relationship.

Deidara didn't realize that his self-loathing had reached such extremes.

Their idle conversation continued for the remainder of the ride, until the carriage stopped, and Deidara wasn't sure as to how the new driver knew where he lived, but he didn't get to ask as Sasori's arm around him tightened just barely.

"I'll be returning to work in a few weeks, after my wrist has healed, but you're free to visit me–" Deidara didn't stiffen up at that, but Sasori was already correcting himself, "Ah, but that may not be good for you, I suppose." Deidara nodded and pulled away just enough to see Sasori's bruised face. Seeing any harmful imperfection on the man made Deidara's stomach churn.

Sasori seemed to understand his look and he kissed his forehead. "You should get some rest too, Deidara. Make sure to eat, and get plenty of sleep."

Deidara gave a small hum. "Yes, I'll do that, un." Deidara would have told Sasori to take care of himself, but he knew that the man already had people to do that.

–

It was four weeks later when Sasori had returned to work. Deidara liked it, because it added normalcy back into his life, knowing that Sasori was within reach.

It didn't take long for Deidara to receive the first note and he was shaking when reading over the location and time. From nerves or excitement, he wasn't sure, but Deidara knew that the meeting was long over due. When he finally did reach the inn, Deidara almost had trouble breathing, but he did whatever tricks he recently taught himself to get it back under control.

Sasori was already in the room, and Deidara almost expected to be shoved against the door as Sasori almost always did, but this time the man was looking out the window when he came in. He smiled lightly and Deidara's heart lurched.

Why was he growing a conscious now? Why was he thinking about how Sasori really shouldn't be with him after he conceded that he didn't care that the man had a family?

Deidara pushed those thoughts away and walked over to him. "What's outside, un?" He asked and Sasori shrugged before closing the curtains.

"Nothing, just something to do to pass the time by, I suppose."

Deidara didn't say anything as he began to unbutton his shirt, Sasori watching him quietly before saying, "It's been awhile, hasn't it?"

Just over two months, Deidara knew that, and it was their longest break ever. He just shrugged. "So, un? You don't want to do this?" His hands stopped, but Sasori's hands continued to work the buttons.

"I do, you just seem... Off, is all. You used to be all witty whenever we were alone together, not really giving a rat's ass as to what I had to say," Sasori commented offhandedly.

Deidara was looking away with his good eye, not wanting Sasori to know just how much he had changed. "A lot has happened since then, un," Deidara replied and Sasori's hands paused and he gave a small chuckle.

"Yes, it has," he said as he pulled the shirt down and away from Deidara's shoulders. "But I suppose we just have to adapt." Sasori's right hand went to Deidara's hair tie and he pulled it loose, the golden tresses falling around Deidara's shoulders. The hand went down and cupped Deidara's face and the blond held onto it, making sure to avoid any pressure on his wrist.

"Enough talking though, un," Deidara said before kissing Sasori's palm and the man agreed with him as he took him to the bed.

For Deidara, sex was more painful than it had been previously. He didn't know that such a long break could do this to him, but even with Sasori taking his time with fingering him, and with plenty of oil on top of that, Deidara didn't feel fully stretched. Only when Sasori entered him, Deidara on his back, and the man above him, did the blond actually cry out from the pain, the bottom of his eyepatch becoming wet from his tears.

Sasori went slowly as he kissed Deidara's face, waiting for him to adjust. Deidara ended up kicking his lover in the back with his heel to get his moving and Sasori complied easily.

It took a long while before Deidara could actually ignore the pain, but for most of the session, Deidara had tears slipping from his eyes, even those of pleasure. When the pace became brutal, Deidara's breath hitched and he almost thought that he wouldn't be able to breathe, his hand going to his chest just to make sure that he could keep up his breaths.

Sasori seemed to notice that something was wrong and stopped. "What's wrong?" He panted and Deidara shook his head.

"N–nothing, keep going, Danna, un." Deidara rocked his hips slowly, trying to convince Sasori that he really was able to take it, but the man seemed to see through him.

"Are you sure that you're fine, Deidara? You look pale," he observed and Deidara knew that he should be flushed at the moment, but he just shrugged his shoulders.

"You really want to stop, Sasori?" Deidara got to his elbows and dropped his legs so Sasori would slip for him, but the man just grabbed his legs and seemed passive.

"Not if you don't want to," he said slowly and Deidara hummed deeply before laying back down and pulling Sasori over him.

"Then come inside me," he whispered into the man's ear, hoping that would rile up the man and it did.

Deidara had to keep his hand on the headboard above him so his head wouldn't go crashing into it, but it still banged against the wall. Sasori was biting his neck, and with his other hand, Deidara pulled him closer, wanting anything that the man had to offer, even pain.

Sasori was the first to finish, roughly thrusting into Deidara hard enough that the blond knew it would take at least five minutes for him to fully regain his breath. The man above him groaned and got off Deidara soon afterwards before moving down his body.

Deidara knew what he was doing, but it still made him shudder as the man began to suck him off. Sasori quickly added his fingers and began to expertly rub his prostate, that Deidara nearly shouted as he came into the man's mouth. His lover swallowed it with no hinderance before laying down next to him.

Neither said anything after that, the only sound coming from their mouths were a silent inhale and exhale, but for Deidara it felt like his chest was on fire. Sasori soon placed a hand on his face and Deidara looked at him, still tired, but the man just looked concerned.

"Are you still smoking?"

Deidara just shook his head and swallowed heavily.

Sasori frowned. "You still can't seem to catch your breath, though."

Preventing himself from snapping, Deidara took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He couldn't get mad at Sasori just because he cared about him.

"I'll be fine, I just need to rest, un," Deidara explained and, God, how good rest sounded, that it was already sending Deidara to sleep. He wasn't even sure if he would be able to wake up in the morning, but he didn't care. Once Sasori wrapped his arms around him, even though he wasn't one for cuddling, Deidara was falling even faster.

–

Work continued on normally. Their meetings continued normally. But Deidara still didn't feel _normal_. He felt uncomfortable in his skin every time he saw Sasori. He loved the man, he truly did, but by now he realized that the man didn't require his love. He had enough from his family, and with his family in mind, Deidara realized that Sasori shouldn't be wasting his love or attention on him.

Sasori still didn't see a problem with their relationship.

But at times Deidara thought that there were other things to worry about. Sometimes all he could focus on was trying to keep breathing, or trying to cough up that last glob of blood stuck in his lungs. He hadn't told Sasori, but he didn't have to. The man found him hacking into a bloodied handkerchief one morning and Deidara had never seen the man look so shocked and worried. He hadn't seen him look worried _ever_.

Sasori had grabbed him by his shoulders and demanded to know why he hand't told him before. Deidara just stared at him with half-lidded eyes that were still watery from coughing. He wanted to tell Sasori that the man shouldn't worry about him, that his care should go towards those who mattered, but he would never say this to his face, because he was afraid that Sasori would actually listen to him.

Deidara had said, "I didn't think it was important, un." But there was still blood on his lips and his breathing remained haggard. "I... I thought it would pass."

Sasori looked positively shaken at that point and Deidara had wished that he had gone back to his emotionless state. That, he could deal with.

Sasori insisted going to a doctor right then, but Deidara refused, claiming he would get better. In reality, he just didn't want to hear from someone else's lips that he wouldn't. At that moment, he was truly afraid of dying and he wished that he hadn't wanted to die all those months ago. It seemed he was granted his previous desires after all.

Sasori still worried for him, and even when they met at an inn, Sasori insisted that they didn't have to have sex, that they could really just be with each other. Sometimes Deidara took Sasori up on the offer, and fell asleep in his arms. Other times, they had sex but at this point it felt like love-making, something that Deidara had wished for that was now coming true, but he felt too occupied in his thoughts to enjoy it. At what cost did he finally get his wish of Sasori showing love for him.

Dying would be the answer, but Sasori denied it.

One night, when they were laying under the sheets, fully clothed, Sasori said, "I understand how I've hurt you before."

Deidara just looked up at Sasori, confusion painting his features, the soft candle-light accenting the shadows on his face. "What do you mean, un?" Deidara's only thought was how Sasori encouraged him to spend time with Masako.

Sasori was frowned and Deidara hated seeing the man look anything but stoic. Stoic was normal. "I'm not very good at... revealing my emotions. It seemed that those around me understood that, and they had their own ways of reading and understanding me. Masako grew up with me and knew what I was thinking before I would even say anything." Deidara didn't flinch at hearing her name, knowing that the woman would always be apart of his lover's life. "But with you... I found it difficult to express myself with you unless it was with sex, and even then there was misunderstanding and hurt. I thought it was clear that I cared for you but you still questioned it. It made me realize that my actions didn't show the affection that you deserved. When I grew to love you, I knew that I had to make you see somehow, but I had no idea how to."

Deidara gave a soft chuckle and cupped Sasori's cheek, his thumb stroking his lover's cheek. "You could have said, 'I love you', Danna, un. That would have been perfectly clear."

Sasori smiled lightly and kissed his forehead. "At times I wonder why you continue to stay with me."

"Because you're such an ass, un?"

A short laugh came from Sasori's mouth, the hot breath hitting Deidara's head. "Yes, that, and the fact that all I seem to do is harm you, whether it be physically or emotionally. I seem to do everything wrong and yet you still remain with me."

Deidara swallowed heavily but didn't say that without Sasori, Deidara would have nothing. He had no family, his friends were just something to occupy his time, and his life seemed meaningless without Sasori in it. With him, Deidara felt that he could keep on going.

In the end, Deidara reassured Sasori that he would continue to stay with him only if Sasori continued to love him. Sasori found the request easy to fulfill, but Deidara wondered to himself if the man knew what kind of love Deidara required.

It could have been the worried or caring kind of love, like when Deidara had a coughing fit in his sleep, choking on his own blood. Sasori had to turn him over so he could cough out the blood but even when that was done Deidara was shaking and covered in sweat. If Sasori hadn't been there then Deidara would have died and he immediately curled into Sasori, the idea scaring him more than he would like to admit.

It seemed that Sasori and Deidara had reached some common ground then. They both loved each other, that much was clear, but now Deidara had no doubt that Sasori would do anything to keep him happy, or at least at peace. If Deidara wanted to go back to the man's country home, Sasori would set up a date for them to go in no time, but Deidara didn't want that at the moment. He didn't have the urge to run away with him anymore, like he was resigned with knowing the man would do these things for him.

At the moment, Deidara was content, but Deidara had a sick feeling in his stomach that it was about to change. A few months later, in the fall, Masako was visiting the factory with Hitomi, or more specifically, visiting Sasori.

Deidara heard a knock on his door and he looked up to see the woman standing there, one hand holding her daughter's hand, the other gently placed on her stomach which was slightly distended.

"Hello, Deidara," she said, stopping in his doorway. "I haven't talked to you in a while." Her smile was kind and Deidara nearly thought that she was glowing.

He wondered if she had gained weight, but realized that her face still remained slim, and only her stomach was larger. Deidara realized soon enough why that was, but he stood and smiled as well.

"Yes, I'm very sorry about that, but work became a large priority, un," he chuckled, hoping to add some embarrassment into his tone as he gestured to the large stacks of papers on his desk.

Masako laughed along with him. "Well, I suppose we all get busy with things..." She trailed off before suddenly realizing she was there for something else. "I'm here to visit my husband, but I haven't been to this factory. Which office is his?"

Deidara stepped out of his office, Masako allowing him access outside, as he pointed up the stairs that would lead to his boss's office. "Just up these steps, un," he supplied and Masako nodded at him in thanks.

He then went back into his office, closing the door behind him so no one would disturb him as he sat at his desk and thought. Masako was pregnant, and obviously so.

Betrayal was the first thing that entered Deidara's mind. Sasori had claimed that he had 'social obligations' before, so would he justify his actions with that?

The second thing that entered Deidara's mind was that Sasori was still with him, still making an effort of being with him. Deidara was taking time away from Sasori that the man could be using to spend with his family and Deidara felt the guilt overcome the betrayal.

There were others that Sasori needed to be with, not Deidara. Deidara didn't even know why Sasori was with him at the moment, why he cared about him when he had such a great family waiting for him at home every night.

Sasori's wife was pregnant and he was spending his time with Deidara, doing nothing but talking idly and laying in bed together. With that, Deidara already felt like such a waste and he was having trouble breathing again, but he couldn't open a window because the cold air was already too hard on his lungs.

Deidara tried to think more comforting thoughts, or just remember the feeling of Sasori holding him so he could breathe, but the guilt trumped all of that and Deidara's vision was becoming blurred. Then another thought hit Deidara. If he was gone then Sasori could be with his family and they could spend the time with him that they deserved.

The thought made Deidara's eyes tear up and he was sure it wasn't from his gasping for air. Deidara tried his damnedest to move his thoughts elsewhere so he could calm down and after a half hour his breathing was completely calm, but he was more numb than he had been in a while. And he had come up with a decision as soon as he had become numb.

When Sasori visited him that afternoon, Deidara felt some inkling of anger, but it died out and sorrow replaced it all. When Sasori asked why he was so sad Deidara told him what he had been thinking.

"We can't be together anymore, un."

Sasori's eyes widened and he closed the door to Deidara's office, before stepping towards Deidara who just took a step away from the man. "What brought this on, Deidara? Why are you saying this?" He looked more confused than upset. "Nothing has stopped us before, unless... you truly don't want us to continue our relationship."

Deidara swallowed heavily and he knew that he should tell Sasori his reason, but Sasori's seemed easier to explain. "Yes, I don't want to be with you anymore, un. Call it boredom, or disinterest, call it whatever you will, but I do not want to be with you."

Sasori seemed more angry now. "I know that isn't the real reason why you're saying all this, Deidara. What the hell is going through your mind–"

"I don't want a relationship with you anymore, is that so hard to understand, un?" Deidara questioned loudly. "Not everyone wants to please you so much, Sasori. For God's sake, you had to have realized that this wasn't going to last forever, un." Deidara's breathing was picking up and the words were getting harder and harder to say.

"Is this how you really feel, Deidara? You don't want us to be together?"

Deidara wished that his bottom lip would stop trembling, but he just pursed it before saying, "Yes, that's exactly how I feel, now I would like it if you left, so I could get back to work, un."

Sasori's mouth was slightly open, as if he were about to say something else, but he became resigned, his gaze apathetic and as he nodded. "I came to tell you that Taki wanted you to look over some of his books for a factory of his. You would be transferred there for the time being."

Deidara was nearly taken aback at the request, not expecting Sasori to just give up like that. He expected Sasori to fight for him, but Deidara knew deep down that the man agreed because he wanted to make Deidara happy. On the inside, Deidara felt himself breaking apart.

He answered, "I'll be helping him then, un," he said before going back to his desk, turning his back to Sasori. He heard the man leave, but he didn't cry as soon as he was alone.

Only when he was home did Deidara collapse onto his bed and wail into his pillow for pushing the man he loved away from him. He didn't know that he could hurt this much from a wound that wasn't physical, that his whole body could feel like it was torn in half just by a few words he had spoken.

When he was done crying, his throat was sore and he was trembling all over, cold and noxious. Deidara hoped he didn't vomit because it would be nothing but stomach acid. In the end, he didn't, and he fell into a fitful sleep, knowing that he wouldn't be seeing Sasori for a while, but he knew that was best.

–

With Sasori gone, Deidara had to remind himself that he still needed to eat, that he needed to take care of himself, because deep down, he knew that Sasori would be upset if he didn't. Deidara was still justifying his actions on the man he pushed away.

When he finally did return to Sasori's factory, the man greeted him as any other worker, demanded his best like normal, but they had no conversation besides that. Sometimes, Deidara would get so deep in his depression, he would be one step away from going up those steps to Sasori and holding him close, telling him that he took it all back.

But he stopped himself every time because he told himself this was better. That Sasori now had more time to be with his family, and the man had always told him that time was precious.

Deidara believed that he didn't have much time left though. Most nights he would wake up from lack of air and he was coughing up more blood than ever, due to the cold weather. Sometimes he would even have an asthma attack and he wished that Sasori was there to coax him out of it, but just when Deidara would think that he was going to suffocate, he would finally get a breath and soon he would be crying because he was so close to death and the thought now terrified him. He had no idea how it had soothed him before.

It scared him enough that he saved up enough money to go to the hospital and see a doctor on his condition. The doctor examined him and hummed to himself before writing something down and shaking his head. Deidara's heart sank as the old man looked at him with pity. "Have you worked in a coal mine, or been a chimney sweeper?" Deidara's eyebrows furrowed and he shook his head, but the doctor continued. "Do you smoke?"

He nodded even though the habit had been kicked for a few months now.

The man pursed his lips. "Well, the only conclusion I have come up with is that you most likely have emphysema. There isn't much help to be done, and with how you've been describing your symptoms, I believe that breathing will become very difficult in these next months. The best I could tell you is to avoid any strenuous activity and hope for the best."

Deidara blurted out the question that was burning in his mind. "Will I live, un?"

The doctor's pitying look intensified and Deidara's stomach clenched uncomfortably. "At this rate, I believe that you will die far sooner than you have expected, what with your lungs unable to take in the air you need you survive. I would suggest that you get your affairs in order, Mr. Iwa."

Deidara nodded slowly and he soon left the hospital. When he got home, he tried reasoning with himself. He wasn't going to die this soon, the doctor must have made a mistake, the man barely knew him. But what if Deidara really was doing to die so soon? He hoped he would be able to see Sasori once more, maybe apologize but he knew that was a terrible idea. Because he ended their relationship, Sasori wasn't going to be sad that Deidara was gone.

That just enraged the blond. He wanted Sasori to be sad. He wished that Masako and her children had never existed so Deidara could have Sasori for himself, and maybe then his death would be more peaceful if he had someone to care about him.

Then the thought of making Sasori suffer made Deidara go back to previous depression. He was dying far quicker than he had expected and there was nothing he could do. Deidara had no idea for how long he had cried for that night, but in the morning, his eyes were dry and he felt hollow.

There was nothing left to be angry or sad about. There was nothing he could do about his death, so Deidara continued on about his life, seeing Sasori every day at the factory, but doing nothing of telling the man about his fate. When he did die, he hoped that Sasori wasn't effected besides the fact that he would need a new bookkeeper.

It was only when Deidara was home one night, and it was snowing that he wasn't able to breathe after a coughing fit. It felt like an eternity before he was able to get a breath and when he finally did, he broke down and realized that he couldn't do this. He couldn't just let himself be wiped off the face of the planet, not when he still loved Sasori.

He didn't know what he would do, but he still wrapped himself in a jacket and scarf and made the long trek to his former lover's home. He kept his scarf up to prevent himself from breathing in the cold air, but when he did, he had a cloth ready to catch the blood from his insistent coughing.

The weather just seemed to worsen as Deidara walked and he realized that he was getting warm, far warmer than he thought he should be. He still continued on even as his vision began to swim. He had to see Sasori at least once more, then he could die.

When he actually reached the Akasuna home, he used the knocker and the next thing he remembered was being on the floor in the home and seeing the extravagant ceiling above him. He heard voices around him, but he couldn't make out a single word, or who was saying them. His vision blacked out at that moment and when he woke up next he was in a plush bed, feeling extremely warm, but uncomfortably so. Breathing hurt.

"Are you awake?"

Deidara opened his one functional eye and saw Sasori sitting to his right, looking haggard and worried. "Barely," Deidara wheezed, feeling exhausted by that one word.

Sasori nodded and they didn't speak for a moment, until Sasori said, "I know you probably don't want me asking this, but... did you mean what you said that day?"

Deidara immediately felt tears coming to his eyes and he shook his head. "No," he croaked, reaching for Sasori's hand to show that he really hadn't meant it.

Sasori gently held Deidara's fingers, but he just looked more confused. "Then why did you say all of that?"

A tear fell and Deidara looked away for a moment, taking a chance to look around the room, seeing that the door wasn't completely closed, but no one would be able to see inside.

"I... I didn't think that you should be spending time with me when you have something more important to care for."

"Deidara–"

"Masako is pregnant, isn't she, un?" Deidara asked, finally looking back at Sasori. "I don't think that taking you from your family is a good thing. You shouldn't be spending your love on someone like me, Sasori."

The man just shook his head. "No, that is not true, Deidara, I would still love you even if my family grew tenfold." The grip on his hand tightened and Deidara smiled pitifully.

"I'd be taking something away from them, then, un. Something they deserve." He coughed lightly after that and Sasori moved in closer to see if he was alright.

"You deserve love, too, Deidara. You deserve everything that you have been denied," Sasori protested and Deidara wanted to ask something on a whim, knowing that was he was going to die soon, but perhaps Sasori could give him this.

"Do I deserve a kiss, un?"

It was a bad joke and Deidara expected Sasori to ignore it, but the man cupped both of his cheeks before placing a firm kiss on his lips. Deidara was more shocked than anything, never expecting this from Sasori, and more tears came to his eyes as he wrapped his arms around the man and kissed back gently. Sasori was tender in his movements, never going too far, but not holding back and Deidara wished that they did have a moment where they were able to unleash their truest desires.

But Deidara had to be the one to break the kiss so he could cough over the side of the bed, blood soon following, but Sasori rubbed his back as the liquid fell and Deidara had a strong feeling that Sasori knew of his fate as well.

"I'm... I'm dying, un," Deidara confessed, as he closed his eyes and sobs shook his body. Saying it had much more of an impact than thinking it and Deidara couldn't stop himself from crying. Sasori ended up getting on the bed and holding him as Deidara's breath began hitching and he was unable to breathe.

Sasori rocked him back and forth until Deidara was able to get his breath back and the blond felt so exhausted, that he was afraid as soon as his eyes closed that he wouldn't be able to wake up. He heard Sasori say, "I love you," and Deidara nearly began crying again.

"You make it sound like a final goodbye, un," he whispered, his eyes drooping.

Sasori shook his head. "No, I will always love you. For as long as I love you, you will be living, Deidara. You won't die," Sasori said and Deidara wasn't sure if he heard the man's voice break, but the confession soothed Deidara enough to allow himself to fall asleep.

"I love you too, Danna, un." He hummed gently and buried his face in Sasori's shirt as he eyes slipped closed and his breathing became more deep. He felt Sasori rocking him again and soon, sleep was all he knew.

–

It must have been an hour later when Sasori realized that Deidara was no longer breathing. He stopped rocking his body and he just sat there for however many minutes. He was still warm, he just looked to be sleeping, but Sasori knew he wasn't. It took some effort, but he placed Deidara down on the bed gently and wiped away any blood left on his lips.

Sasori had tasted it strongly when they had kissed.

As soon as Sasori left the room, he found a maid nearby and told her to call the funeral home to pick up the body. Sasori would be paying for the lot that Deidara would be occupying now.

Without another thought, Sasori went to his office and sat down in his chair, not doing anything but staring ahead at nothing, not wanting to think about Deidara's death. He didn't want to believe it, even though he had been the one holding Deidara's body when he had died. He felt him stop breathing.

He understood why Deidara acted the way he did, and that it was resolved now but what did it matter when he was gone. For the strangest reason, Sasori felt incredibly alone, but he didn't even notice that someone was in the room with him until a hand touched his cheek and he saw his wife wiping away a tear.

She appeared sad that he was crying. "I'm sorry about Deidara, Sasori. It's terrible to see someone so young pass, especially if they were loved like Deidara." She pulled him in close, arms around his shoulders and Sasori wrapped his arms around her lower back as his shoulders began to shake. He buried his face in her extended abdomen and couldn't control himself as he began sobbing softly.

Masako ran a hand through his hair in comfort as Sasori cried, the man not caring that she knew about his relationship with Deidara. At the moment he needed to cry and she was there to comfort him, to tell him that it was all right even when it wasn't.

Sasori wished that he could have had more time with Deidara, that the man wouldn't be taken from him just after three years. He wished a lot of things as he cried, and he wished he knew what Deidara had wanted so he could have provided it for him before he had gone.

Sasori wished that he had kissed Deidara when he had first asked to be kissed.

 **Epilogue is next.**

 **Review?**


	7. Epilogue

Epilogue

"You can see her now."

Sasori had been staring at the flowers in the garden, Hitomi playing with her dolls at his feet when the maid came to get them. When he didn't respond, his daughter grabbed his pant leg and said, "Papa, we can see Mama now." She was almost scowling and Sasori smiled gently at the face.

"Alright, let's go see her then," he said, reaching his hand down for her to take so he could help her up, but she refused to let go even as they began walking.

They walked inside and headed for the master bedroom on the second floor, Hitomi wanting her father to lift her up on every step of the staircase and Sasori complying just to please his daughter. As soon as they reached the top, she dashed ahead much to many of the maids displeasure as they didn't want her to overwork herself.

She reached the bedroom before he did, but Sasori could already hear the girl spouting questions with no fear of being reprimanded.

"Am I a big sister yet?" She cried out and Sasori could hear a small, tried laugh from the room as he was still walking towards it.

"Yes, you are, dear."

Sasori entered through the large door and found Masako showing a small bundle to Hitomi, who was kneeling on the bed next to her mother. The woman looked tired, her hair disheveled and face flushed, but she looked content.

"Why is she pink?"

Masako's smile was patient. "You have a brother, not a sister, Hitomi," she corrected and the girl pouted.

"But I wanted a sister," she grumbled and Masako laughed once more as she gently stroked the top of her daughter's head, right before she saw Sasori.

"I thought you hated to keep people waiting, Sasori," she teased and Sasori smiled softly enough for her to see it. He walked over and sat down in the chair next to the bed, and in no time, Masako handed the bundle over to Sasori.

The baby was sleeping, face scrunched up in obvious discomfort and Sasori knew it was because he had been rudely evicted. But he didn't make a sound, even as he held him closer.

"What do you think?"

Sasori turned his eyes towards Masako and continued to smile. "He's beautiful, but he most likely received that from you."

A blush came over Masako's tired face. "Born on the first day of spring, too." She gave a soft sigh. "I wish you were here. He was screaming like no other and I knew that he would be strong, like you."

Sasori smile turned fond and Hitomi asked, "What's his name gonna be?"

Turning to his wife, Sasori raised a brow and she shook her head. "I named Hitomi."

"And you did so well, I thought you could do it again," Sasori suggested. "I'm not good at naming," he concluded.

Masako looked at her lap, smiling and Sasori was wondering what she was thinking about when she said, "Deidara."

Sasori had to make sure to keep his arms in check, to make sure that they didn't go lax and he let go of his newborn son, but also make sure that they didn't tighten.

Hitmoi seemed confused from hearing the name. "Why that name, Mama?"

Masako never stopped smiling as she stroked Hitomi's cheek. "That was the man who saved you when it was snowing, remember. He was a very kind man and I think that he should continue to live on."

Hitomi seemed even more confused and Sasori knew it was because the girl didn't understand death very well, but she had asked why Deidara had to be carried out that day when he died and Sasori was unable to say anything.

Masako then turned back to Sasori, her gaze not apologetic but hopeful. "You said before that as long as you... cared for him that he would live on. With our son having his name, he won't be forgotten in a very long time." She sighed, seeming tired all of a sudden. "Would that be alright, Sasori?"

The man wasn't entirely sure. Deidara had died three months previously and after his death, Masako told him that she had suspected something between the two of them but assumed that Sasori wasn't doing it because he didn't love her, but because he loved someone else as well. She told him that she was hurt, but that she understood, simply because she knew him well enough to see that the man really did love Deidara. She heard Sasori's last words to man's lover and knew how much he meant to her husband.

Sasori still thought that she was incredibly naive, but maybe he just didn't understand women and they were simply compassionate.

Still, Sasori felt some unease with naming his son after his dead lover. Not over the fact that of Deidara had been his lover, but the fact that every time he would look at him, Sasori would be reminded of him. It seemed like a curse, but also a blessing to never forget him.

But he would live on, even if his child had no idea who he was named after.

Sasori conceded. "The name is perfect, thank you, Masako," he said softly as he passed the child back to his wife who began smiling again.

She cooed down at her son who began to fuss and she moved the blanket enough to kiss the red curls of hair on his head.

"What's his name again?" Hitmoi asked loudly making the baby cry again and for some reason Sasori felt like he would never be able to say his son's name. But really, he was unable to deny his wife anything.

"Deidara," Masako answered as she gently rocked the baby in her arms.

Hitomi hummed and looked towards her father. "I love him already and I wanna hold him, Papa," she demanded and Sasori gave a small sigh.

"You'll have to ask your mother, Hitomi."

Hitomi looked at Masako who just told the girl to hold her arms out so she could place them. "Make sure to keep his head up," she instructed carefully and Hitomi gave a firm nod.

"He's really small, Mama."

"Of course, he's just a baby, so we have to be very careful with him, okay?"

"Okay," Hitomi said as she looked down at her brother, Masako smiling at her children while Sasori simply watched, distant from the whole thing.

He still wished that he had given Deidara more, something else to keep him from doubting him, but Sasori knew that wishing would get him nowhere. He could only listen to Deidara's final request and use the remainder of his love towards his family.

Perhaps then he could move on easier, but with this new constant reminder, he knew it would be hard. He understood Masako's motive and was grateful for it, because she knew that sooner or later Sasori's love for someone dead could run out and she was sentimental enough to prevent that from happening even though she knew that she would receive less love.

Either way, Deidara would live on in his son and it would be a painful, constant reminder to Sasori that he didn't do enough for the man he loved. But it would also be a reminder to never stop loving him, and by now Sasori didn't think he would stop anytime soon.

Deidara would finally be gaining the love he deserved, but didn't receive his whole life, even if he wasn't alive for it.

* * *

 **The End**


End file.
